What I left behind was me
by Erin Giles
Summary: It's three years after Buffy's death, and the scoobies have been spread far and wide. Will Giles and Buffy ever come back? (Chapter 14! yay go me!) please R&R!
1. Return to the grave

Title: What I left behind was me  
  
Author: Erin Giles  
  
Rating: G  
  
Disclaimer: As much as I dream about them being mine, all characters belong to Joss (aka God!) Damn him! Except the plot! All from my noggin!  
  
Feedback: Would love some! But be kind! (My friend's don't call me Ripper for nothing!)  
  
Distribution: It's mine all mine! Mawhahahaha. I'm only joking! If you want it ask!  
  
Summary: Set three years after Buffy's death. Giles disappeared not long after Buffy's death and no one's heard from him since. Story is about what's happened in those three years to him.  
  
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Been far away and wide,  
  
But that hole inside,  
  
Never really leaves.  
  
When I went away,  
  
What I really left,  
  
Left behind was me.  
  
"Million Miles Away" The Offspring  
  
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As Willow picked her way through the gravestones a figure up ahead caught her attention. She watched him as he shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other, before reaching a hand up to run it through his untamed mop of hair. She stopped a couple of gravestones away, hardly daring to breath, afraid that he might run.  
  
Afraid that he might run again and she would never forgive herself if that happened. She watched as he wobbled unsteadily on his feet as he bent down beside the gravestone. His right hand traced the name on it and Willow took the opportunity to read the engraving for what seemed like the millionth time. She shuffled forward as he brought himself up to his full height again.  
  
He seemed a lot taller than she remembered him and his clothes hung more loosely, but it had been nearly three years.  
  
Three years without a word.  
  
Three years of looking, of wanting to share so much with him.  
  
Yet now that she found herself in his presence again she couldn't think of anything to say to him, except to confirm his identity,  
  
"Giles?"  
  
The man turned to face her, and she took a sharp intake of breath, shocked by his gaunt appearance. His face was thinner; paler than she had ever seen it before and his once sandy coloured hair had aged to innumerable shades of grey.  
  
Willow found it hard to distinguish between the deep twisted lines of his face and the scratches that now covered his once handsome features. His brow was furrowed deeply yet below them there seemed softness, as Willow eyes met his. She felt herself falling into the warmth of his eyes, the kindness of the deep woods of green, where you could get lost for hours and never be scared.  
  
As Giles face twisted into that of a pained smile Willow suddenly realised how odd it was to see the man without glasses, but even though his physical appearance had changed somewhat considerably, he was still the same Giles,  
  
"Willow, how are you?" he asked his accent slipping slightly,  
  
'Same old Giles,' she thought as she watched him for a moment longer, 'Always thinking about others before himself.'  
  
"I'm good," she said nodding, a smile forming on her lips now the initial shock that Giles was in front of her had passed,  
  
"You?" she asked taking a couple of unnecessary steps towards the man as he swayed noticeably on his feet. He didn't look well,  
  
"As well as can be expected." He said before moving to lean against a headstone. Willow sighed, not believing him. She turned to look at Buffy's headstone, reading it again, before returning her gaze to the dishevelled form of a man she would always look up to,  
  
"Why did you leave? Why did you just go without a word to any of us? What about Dawn? What about Xander? Anya? Me? Were you scared we would remind you too much of her? Could you not stand to be around us anymore? Didn't you love us?" she paused as tears rolled down her cheek,  
  
"Didn't you know we loved you?" Giles watched Willow for a moment, quite taken aback by her sudden outburst. He watched as Willow descended into sobs, before leaning off the gravestone to go to the red head, but Willow was already there. She flung her arms around him, but did not hear the painful grunt that came from Giles lips.  
  
Giles held the girl close letting her cry into his arms as guilt began to wash over him, but he knew his reason for leaving, and obviously so did Willow,  
  
"I'm sorry I left you Willow." He whispered through clenched teeth. Willow broke away from him accepting his apology for the moment. She gazed into his eyes again, and there was a silence between them that spoke volumes, both relieved to see each other. Giles bear paw reached up and gently wiped away the tears from beneath Willow's eyes a frown becoming more prominent above his pained eyes. Willow caught his hand on the way back to his side,  
  
"Giles, you're not alright." She said watching him concerned. His mouth opened to protest but instead he descended into a fit of coughing, pulling his hand from Willow's to clutch at his ribs. Willow saw him sway heavily as he reached out for something to support his weight, and Willow was there in an instance,  
  
"Giles I'm taking you home." She said matter of factly, a resolved face on her tanned features. She knew how stubborn the Watcher could be but she could also see that he was too tired to even think of arguing. She let him recover himself, worry lines etching her slender face as his eyes met hers,  
  
"Willow, I-" Willow stopped him from talking as she started to lead him back down the hill to her car, talking as much weight of the largely built frame of the Watcher she could carry. Her mind raced to the number of possibilities of things that had happened to the man, but she soon stopped herself as she helped him into the passengers seat. Her gaze wandered up to the hill again to Buffy's grave.  
  
She had Giles back now, if only she could have Buffy too. 


	2. Found

Author Notes: You will find out what happens to Giles!  
  
Chapter 2  
  
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Each passing day, every passing face, seems like such a blur.  
  
"Million Miles Away" The Offspring *********************************************************************  
  
Tara ran her fingers through her wet hair as drops continued to fall down her back. She had got out the shower nearly half an hour ago, but her hair was so long now it retained more water than the shower did. She frowned unfolding her legs from under her and moving off the sofa. Dawn looked up at her for a moment, from where she had propped herself against the sofa, before getting to her feet,  
  
"Do you want a drink?" Dawn asked stretching out her arms and legs, yawning slightly,  
  
"Please." Tara said bobbing her head up and down,  
  
"I'm just going to get a brush. See if I can go recycle some of the water from my hair." She said before moving towards the stairs. Dawn giggled silently,  
  
"Film's getting kind of lame anyway," Dawn shouted to Tara as she made her way into the kitchen,  
  
"I mean how can you fall in love with your brother and then go to save the world while your mom is the one who wants to end it?" she added to herself before flicking the switch on the kettle and grabbing two mugs from the drying rack while humming the theme tune to the film they were watching.  
  
At least it had a good theme tune.  
  
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Willow glanced at the still form of the man in the passenger seat of her car as she killed the engine. He had fallen asleep almost the moment she had set him down in the seat, and she didn't want to disturb him. The poor man looked as though he hadn't slept in a long while.  
  
It reminded her of the days when she was still at high school and would come in to find him in a more wrinkled version of clothes that he had worn the previous day. The memory brought a smile to her worried face. She had many memories of Giles staying up researching all night that sometimes she felt guilty for not joining him to help. He had done so much for Buffy, yet she knew that was part of his duty as Watcher. Yet even when he had been fired he had continued to stay up late and research into the small hours of the morning; doughnuts and a cup of tea being his only saviours when school hours came round again and Buffy, with scoobies, returned,  
  
"Giles." She called softly, shaking his shoulders slightly, and soon regretting what she had done.  
  
A small moan escaped the Watcher's lips as he pulled away from Willow. She frowned,  
  
"Sorry Giles. It's just, I can't carry you up to the house." She said truthfully, watching his bleary eyes trying to focus on her,  
  
"Willow?" he questioned hesitantly. Willow watched the man concerned for him. She nodded slowly,  
  
"It's me Giles." She said comfortingly, before undoing the seatbelt she had wrapped round him with difficulty,  
  
"We need to get you inside." She said opening her car door, still watching him,  
  
"Into Buffy's house." She clarified as she watched his confused face. At the moment he looked like a small, confused child and it disturbed her. Giles had always been the grown up, always been the one with the level head, and now. Willow sighed heavily before getting out the car and going round to the passenger's side. Willow dreaded to think what had happened to the once stable man.  
  
"Buffy!?" he questioned confusion in his voice,  
  
"Buffy." He said after a long pause, remorse in his voice now, as if sudden realisation that his slayer was dead had only just sunk in.  
  
Willow sighed again as she opened the car door, fighting hard against the many questions she needed to ask the man.  
  
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Tara found her hairbrush lying under a pile of Willow's clothes on a chair. She frowned as she put the hairbrush between her teeth before she picked up Willow's clothes and started to sort through them. Willow had never been the tidiest person on the planet, but it didn't mean Tara didn't love her any less. She hung up her green lace top that Willow had been looking for the other day, before depositing her jeans and socks in the laundry basket in the bathroom. She took the hairbrush from her mouth and started to pull at her tangled golden locks. Her hairbrush got stuck half way down and she sighed coming down the stairs. She met Dawn halfway from the kitchen,  
  
"What do you think Dawnie? A new look for me?" she asked, the hairbrush still stuck in her hair. The girl laughed, almost spilling the two hot chocolates,  
  
"Very you!" she exclaimed before handing Tara her cup and heading into the living room to curl up on the sofa. It was winter in California, and even though winter temperatures never reached much below ten degrees it was still the season to drink hot chocolate and curl up in front of the television watching pointless films that made no sense. In fact, Dawn enjoyed every minute of it,  
  
"Ok I think the dad's come back and is now trying to save the world by telling the girl's mom that he still loves her. Either that or he's trying to propose to the girl." She frowned as she watched the figures interact with each other on the screen.  
  
Tara set her mug down on the coffee table and took up her seat beside Dawn, continuing to tug at her unruly hair that would just not sit straight,  
  
"Either that or the dog's going to save the day." Tara said jokingly,  
  
"Don't be stupid Tara. That would so never happen." Dawn said, not taking her eyes off the screen. Tara smiled, continuing to brush at her hair as someone started to bang on the door. Tara sighed, standing up and looking at the clock, before placing her brush on the table,  
  
"Xander's not coming over until later is he?" Dawn shrugged, not taking her eyes away from the screen, too engrossed by it all. Tara sighed, walking towards the door,  
  
"So that leaves the dog, the alien mom who wants to take over the world or.Giles!" Tara exclaimed as she opened the door to reveal a rather dishevelled looking Giles draped over her girlfriend,  
  
"Tara we don't know where he is," Dawn said finally pulling herself away from the television and off the couch,  
  
"We've searched for him for so long now that I don't think he'll be.here." Dawn trailed off as she stared agape at the only father she had ever really had.  
  
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Giles had brought himself up to his full height again standing on his own two feet, Willow no longer holding him up. He hadn't seen any of them for so long and he wanted to make a good impression, especially after he had left them without a word.  
  
He watched Dawn take a few hesitant steps forward. She had changed so much; grow up into a lovely young woman he thought. She had kept her dark locks, but they were shorter, only reaching past her shoulders, marginally. She was a lot taller, only a head shorter than him he thought, measuring himself up against her,  
  
"Giles?" Dawn asked, uncertain of whom he was. He had changed so much he knew, but not enough to not recognise him surely. He nodded silently, watching her, watching them all for any sign that he would be accepted back.  
  
"You're back!" Dawn said happily after a pause as tears started to stream down her cheeks. Giles tried to smile, wanting to nod again, but he felt himself slipping.  
  
His heart hammering in his chest.  
  
The shrill scream of others still echoing in his head.  
  
The fire dancing in front of his eyes, causing them to sear with pain.  
  
The blows to his head, to his arms, to his chest becoming dull and throbbing.  
  
The stabbing pain as the knife went in deeper, ripping up his insides.  
  
The manic laughing.  
  
The acute pain in his chest as he tried to breath.  
  
As everything came back to him he felt himself falling.  
  
Falling.  
  
He would never stop falling.  
  
He heard his name called and several pairs of hands grabbing at him.  
  
They were too late.  
  
They were all too late. 


	3. Time, there's not enough

Chapter 3  
  
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Time is a valuable thing, watch it fly by as the pendulum swings, watch it count down to the end of the day, the clock ticks life away.  
  
"In The End" Linkin Park  
  
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A world without time would be a world without purpose.  
  
Time meant everything.  
  
Time was the rule everyone lived by.  
  
But where Giles was now, time had no meaning.  
  
Minutes could drift into days; drift into weeks, into months and years.  
  
He wouldn't notice.  
  
He was at peace here, but here was not where he needed to be.  
  
As much as Giles wanted to stay here, he couldn't.  
  
He knew that.  
  
They all knew that.  
  
"Rupert, come inside and wash up for lunch."  
  
"Coming Nana."  
  
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"We can't take him to the hospital!" Willow protested for the umpteenth time as Dawn turned on her with vengeful eyes,  
  
"He has no passport or anything on him." She said panic rising up in her voice,  
  
"What are we supposed to do then? Leave him lying on the couch?" Dawn protested,  
  
"No. We.we can look after him."  
  
"Willow," Dawn looked up at her with pleading eyes,  
  
"I don't think he."  
  
"Dawnie, lets not think like that. We have to think positive." Tara interjected,  
  
"Willow sweetie, why don't you go get the first aid kit and we can see if we can get him cleaned up. Dawnie go call Xander. Ask him to bring some clothes for Giles." Tara went to the Watcher as both Willow and Dawn disappeared,  
  
"Dawn!" she called after the tall teen, who re-emerged in the doorway,  
  
"Don't tell him what's happened to Mr. Giles. Just tell him that he's back."  
  
Dawn nodded, understanding in her eyes before she turned back into the kitchen again.  
  
Tara turned away from the space where Dawn had been and back to Giles. She heard Dawn pick up the phone and punch Xander's number into the phone. There was a beat before she let her eyes wander over the tired and withered face of Giles, not hearing Dawn's cheery greeting to Xander in the other room. She didn't even hear the cupboard's in the bathroom upstairs slamming, as her girlfriend searched in desperation for the first aid kit. She frowned as stray locks of hair slipped from her shoulder in front of her face as her eyes watched the man's closed eyelids. She could feel the pain and suffering coming off him in waves. She didn't know what had happened to him, and she honestly wasn't comfortably about finding out either,  
  
"I found it, but I think it's almost empty." Willow said, coming back into the living room and placing the box on the table,  
  
"Tara?" Tara looked up abruptly, suddenly torn from her thoughts,  
  
"Sorry," she mumbled,  
  
"It's just -" she indicated Giles by looking back at him. Willow sighed heavily before kneeling down next to Tara. She placed her head on Tara shoulder,  
  
"He's back." She said, a longing for relief in her voice,  
  
"But that doesn't mean." she trailed off for a moment, pulling her head off Tara's shoulder,  
  
"That doesn't mean we can't still lose him."  
  
There was a silence between the two women that sent shivers up their spines. Just thinking about it was too unbearable for Willow. She had lost him and Buffy three years ago, yet she still had hope.  
  
The only thing that had kept her going was the knowledge that he was alive and well, and living somewhere where he could be cared for into his old age. She smiled at the thought. Giles would never let himself be put in a nursing home, but she had still hoped he was safe and well.  
  
Now that she had him back it was just as bad as not having him at all. At least when she didn't have him she could pretend to herself he was fine. Now she had to face the truth that she might lose him forever.  
  
Willow quickly brushed those thoughts away, as well as a few stray tears,  
  
"Help me get his coat off."  
  
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"Giles?!"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Giles is here?"  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"Giles in Sunnydale? As in here?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Rupert Giles? As in the G-man? As in Sunnydale's answer to Sherlock Holmes?"  
  
"Yes Xander!" Dawn exclaimed, finally losing her rag with Xander and the constant repetition of Giles' name,  
  
"Giles is here. O-kay. If I keep saying it I might get the fact that. Giles is here?!"  
  
Dawn rolled her eyes to the ceiling even though Xander couldn't see,  
  
"Yeah Giles is here. We're all kinda shocked that Giles is here. We're all happy that Giles is here. But seen as Giles is here and Giles' clothes are not here, can you bring clothes that Giles can wear. Here." Dawn said, a sarcastic tone to her voice,  
  
"Yeah, sure." Xander said, still fazed by the whole idea of Giles being here that he didn't find it odd that Giles needed clothes,  
  
"I'll bring them. Giles is here?"  
  
"Bye Xander."  
  
"Giles is here?" Xander found himself questioning the dial tone as to whether Giles was here or not, and as good news as it was he didn't think the dial tone needed to be asked if Giles was here or not.  
  
Xander turned into the empty flat, annoyed that Anya had as yet to return from the store. He needed to tell someone that Giles was here. Instead he found himself in the bedroom looking out some old clothes for Giles.  
  
'Okay Xander! When Anya gets here don't go rushing in and tell her Giles is here. Ask her how her day was, let her rant for a bit and then maybe slip into the conversation after a while. Like, "Hey guess what An? Giles is back." Nice and simple. It won't take her by surprise and she can have time to digest it and.'  
  
He heard the front door. He dashed for it as a harassed Anya stood there,  
  
"Giles is back!" he exclaimed so quickly Anya didn't have a hope of getting a word in edges ways, 'Nice one Xand.' He thought to himself.  
  
Anya stared at the man she loved for a moment as he shouted at her. She thought, processing what he had said, before a smile broke out on her face. A beat passed before the smile disappeared again,  
  
"He doesn't want the store back does he?" 


	4. Lost again?

Chapter 4  
  
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I wonder what you're doing, imagine where you are, there's oceans in between us, but that's not very far.  
  
"Blurry" Puddle of Mudd  
  
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Giles could feel the sand moving between his toes, gently rubbing at them, making them feel warm. A wave washed over them, clearing them of sand for the moment, but now that his feet were wet the sand would stick,  
  
"Don't you just hate it when sand gets stuck in your toes then you go to put your shoes on." A voice said beside him. He didn't turn to see who it was. He knew,  
  
"That's why one wears sandals." He said indicating his shoes next to him,  
  
"Or goes bare foot." He said looking at his companion's own feet. His attention was drawn back to the setting sun on the horizon, the lap of the sea on the beach soothing him,  
  
"Sun's going down." He observed,  
  
"I don't have to worry about that anymore." She said softly,  
  
"And me?" he said turning to the woman. He watched her blond hair blowing in the breeze, her summer dress floating about round her knees before looking into her blue-gray eyes,  
  
"You know you don't belong here yet. Even though I want you to stay." Giles eyes turned back to the horizon,  
  
"I've wondered for so long where you were and if you were safe. I know now that it was wrong to leave everyone, and to leave you. I knew you were far away, but somehow, you seemed further in England." He paused, blinking, seeing the red sunset so clearly, the dinghy bobbing on the horizon so far, yet so close,  
  
"I'm safe here."  
  
Giles pulled himself to his feet, picking up his sandals as his unbuttoned shirt blew in the breeze,  
  
"I know that now." He said turning back up the beach,  
  
"I'll see you again." She said, turning to watch him go,  
  
"Goodbye Buffy." He said, retreating from the beach,  
  
"For now."  
  
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Willow set Giles head gently down on the pillow again, afraid that she would do more damage to his already damaged head. Tara and herself had seen to his wounds as best they could, putting a dressing on his shoulder that looked as though it had been cut by a knife of some sort and cleaning other open wounds that had been left to heal without attention. They had all stood agape after they had taken off his jacket, and peeled back the two layers of ripped T-shirt and jumper. The Watcher's body was black and blue. He was so thin as well. Dawn had turned away from the scene, leaving the living room and running up the stairs. Willow could hear the faint sobs as Dawn bedroom door slammed shut. She didn't blame her though Giles was a state.  
  
Willow picked up one of the watcher's large hands and held it in hers for a moment. She looked at, his hands rougher than she remembered them. Her fingers traced the scars there, knowing they had never been the same since he and Angelus had had their run in. Yet he had never had half his index finger missing. Willow frowned, placing his hand back on the couch beside him. She turned away and pulled the cloth form the bowl on the table, as there was a knock at the front door.  
  
Tara got up and went to answer it as Willow placed the cloth on Giles head. He had a fever and Willow was becoming more and more panicky. She heard both Xander and Anya's cheery voices from the door, but still she did not move. She couldn't move. She couldn't leave his side she was so scared for him. She felt as if she was the only one anchoring him here.  
  
"Anya I told you he doesn't want the." Xander's voice trailed off as his eyes met the battered form of Giles on the couch. His mouth opened and closed like that of a goldfish, suddenly unable to form any words whatsoever,  
  
Anya's eyes passed over Giles and she suddenly had a guilty feeling in the pit of her stomach. She had been more concerned about the shop than Giles. But maybe it wasn't,  
  
"That's not."  
  
"Giles." Xander finished Anya's sentence for her, finally finding words again,  
  
"Oh Man." Xander said as he moved towards the couch. Anya turned away from the sight, unable to look at him any longer,  
  
"Willow why haven't you taken him to the hospital?"  
  
"I would if I could. But he has no passport or anything. No bag, no clothes, no wallet." She rung the cloth out again, placing it back on Giles head,  
  
"Xander I'm scared. I don't know. What do we do?"  
  
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Could it mean this is where I belong, it is you I have loved all along.  
  
"It is you" Dana Glover  
  
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"Rupert?" Giles looked up from his book as he heard the voice. He didn't know whom he had expected, but it wasn't the person who stood before him,  
  
"Jenny?" he placed the book down in front of the fire, standing up from his seat. He moved towards her, reaching out for her standing there. His eyes started to well with tears as her hand met his mid-air,  
  
"Rupert." She said softly, a smile spreading widely on her face. She leaned in to kiss him and he automatically took her up in his arms, gratefully.  
  
After what seemed like an eternity they pulled away from each other,  
  
"Jenny I've missed you so much." He said in hushed tones,  
  
"But now," he paused, taking her in, "Now I can be with you f." Jenny put a finger to his lips, making hushing noises,  
  
"You know that's not true Rupert." She said, sadness in her eyes,  
  
"You know it's not your time. Your Nana told you that. Buffy told you that. And now." she let her eyes gaze into his for a long moment,  
  
"Now I'm telling you that you don't belong here. You have to go back to them. Back to Willow. Back to Xander, Dawn. everyone." He started to shake his head,  
  
"I don't want to lose you again." He said, remorse in his voice,  
  
"You won't. I'll be here when you come back. You just have to live a little longer without me." There was a long silence between them as Giles realised she was right,  
  
"We'll all be here when you get back. Your Nana, Buffy, me. your parents." Giles eyes twinkled with tears. Jenny's hand wiped them away under his eyes,  
  
"You're more handsome without glasses." She said softly before her lips brushed against his again. His eyes closed, relishing the moment,  
  
"Take care Rupert."  
  
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Spike rolled over on the camp bed. His eyes drifted up to the window in the cellar and he noticed that the sun had stopped illuminating the drape hung there. He pulled the blanket back wondering why no one had come to wake him. Not even Dawn. He pulled a pair of jeans on and grabbed a shirt from the pile in the chair before walking barefoot up the stairs of the Summer's basement. He started to do the buttons up as he came into the kitchen and found Dawn sat there, her back to him,  
  
"Why didn't you wake me nibblet?" he asked her going to the fridge and pulling a cup of blood from it. He frowned when he didn't get a reply,  
  
"Nibblet?" a small sob escaped Dawn's lips,  
  
"Dawn?" he moved towards her putting the cup of blood done,  
  
"Dawn what's up?"  
  
"Giles," she said looking up at him, her eyes reddened,  
  
"He's back." 


	5. New world, new love

Chapter 5  
  
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Forgotten thoughts of yesterdays, through my eyes I see the past.  
  
"Drift and Die" Puddle of Mudd  
  
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Giles felt his hands leave Jenny's but his eyes still did not open to see where she had disappeared to. He suddenly became very aware of the dull twang of pain in his shoulder and the rhythmic throbbing of his head. He concentrated on his breathing as it became harder with every breath. He felt everything flooding back to him again and he suddenly wished he were dead. He fought the urge to throw up as he tried to take in his surroundings, not having the strength to open his aching eyes. A cold wave passed over him as he felt a damp cloth on his forehead and he was grateful for it. He heard muffled voices, a panic in them that scared him. He wondered what was happening to bring such panic and fear to the voices. He swallowed and found himself blinking in the dimly lit room, unsure of where he was. He heard a voice call his name and he rolled his head over to his left to see who it was, suddenly regretting it. He opened his mouth to speak, but the words got stuck somewhere on the way out, coming out as a pained moan instead.  
  
"It's okay Giles. Take it easy." He recognized that voice. He blinked a couple of times trying to take in the blurred image as it started to clear,  
  
"Will - Willow?" he stuttered out. He felt a hand on his forehead, brushing his damp hair away and removing the now warm cloth. He watched a faint smile appear on the witch's lips as her eyes sparkled, threatening tears,  
  
"Oh God Giles. I thought- I thought I'd lost you." She said almost a whisper.  
  
"Takes more than that to get rid of the G-man." Xander said sitting down on the coffee table behind Willow, watching Giles tired features,  
  
"Kind of a spectacular entrance Giles. Three years of nothing and then suddenly-wham! You turn up on our doorsteps battered to pieces." Giles swallowed nervously, knowing what he was saying was true, but he found the words harsh nonetheless.  
  
"Xander not now." Willow said turning to glare at him,  
  
"Let him rest and then -"  
  
"No," Giles said as he started to pull himself into a sitting position awkwardly. Xander got up from his seat and helped the man to sit up. Several groans escaped his lips before he was comfortably propped up on the couch.  
  
"Giles you should be resting. You - Whatever happened you shouldn't - you need to rest." Willow said, her voice full of concern.  
  
"Yeah, it can wait Giles." Xander said backing her up,  
  
"No," he said again with obvious effort, "I owe you an explanation. I owe you all an explanation." He said as his eyes drifted into the hall where a reserved Anya hung by the banisters, staring blankly at him.  
  
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After Giles had put one of Xander's old t-shirts on with the help of Willow he found himself settled back into the cushions of the sofa, as comfortable as he could get in the situation. Willow had draped a blanket over him and put extra cushions under his head. He oddly felt like a grandpa in a nursing home telling his grandchildren of the days when he had been a watcher and the things he had done back then.  
  
Willow would not move herself far from him, feeling overprotective, so she had settled herself at the end of the couch. Tara was seated on the floor beside her. Anya had seated herself in Xander's arms on the chair opposite, their hands clasped, wedding rings intertwined. Dawn sat curled up in the other chair; her eyes still red from when she had cried in his arms only moments earlier. Spike stood behind her chair protectively, watching her rather than Giles himself, like an older brother he supposed.  
  
Giles took a sip of the water Willow had given him, along with some painkillers before he began,  
  
"When I left I didn't mean to. I wanted to stay but it was just too hard. I didn't think you needed me anymore, didn't want me around anymore. I was foolish I know, and a large part of me wishes I had stayed.  
  
When I left I returned to England. I bought myself a flat in Bath and had all of my things shipped over from storage in - from here. For a long time my things stayed in boxes and I debated whether I should stay or not, tt didn't seem like home where I was. I found that most of my friends had moved on, some were dead and others just didn't want to know me anymore. For the best part I kept to myself, grieving.  
  
One day I met someone. Her name was Aura and she was a member of a coven situated in Bath. I learned my lesson about the dark arts a while ago, but what Aura and the coven were into was not dark arts, it was good, pure magic. I found myself at the coven once a week and at Aura's house nearly everyday.  
  
Time went by and the grief seemed to lift. They helped me through things. My loss, the things I had done. The lives I had taken, and I began to heal." He paused, taking another drink. He hadn't told them he had killed Ben, and he didn't want to tell. But they were smart enough and they would figure it out. He felt so tired and he wanted nothing more than to lay his head down and sleep everything off, but it had to be told,  
  
"Three years went by and there was never a day I didn't debate returning to Sunnydale. Things stopped me from coming back though. My fears of what you would say, how you would all react after I had left without a word to any of you. Then the Watcher's council kept me there, giving me things to do now and then: errands to run. Aura kept pushing me to come back, but at the same time she wanted me to stay. Yet she was the one who eventually sent me back." He stifled a yawn, giving enough time for Willow to interject,  
  
"Sent you back?" Giles eyes moved to Willow's. This was the part he didn't want to divulge to any of them. The part that told him how he got here and why he was in such a state. Yet he owed it to them and he couldn't keep it bottled up. He nodded, taking another sip of water giving him time to gather his thoughts and his wits,  
  
"She teleported me here, after - after what happened -"  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
A month ago . . .  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"Rupert are you almost ready?"  
  
"Almost." Giles replied coming out of the bedroom, trying to do up his bow tie with some difficulty. Aura rolled her eyes and moved away from the mirror where she had been fixing her make up,  
  
"Come here." She sighed as she brushed his hands out the way and proceeded to tie his bow tie. Giles smiled at her as he started to do up his cufflinks, struggling with those too. Aura rolled her eyes at him again,  
  
"At this rate I'm going to be buying you a Zimmer frame for your next birthday." She said smiling mischievously,  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked finally getting one of his cufflinks done up,  
  
"I'm perfectly capable of doing things by myself." He frowned as the sleeve he had just done up came undone again,  
  
"Just these blasted things won't stay done up." Aura giggled, finishing off his bow tie,  
  
"You're nervous." She said taking his hand in hers, looking into his soft green eyes,  
  
"You'll do fine Rupert." She said, before softly kissing him,  
  
"Yes, well, I suppose someone must have confidence in me."  
  
"You'll do fine. You'll make your speech and everyone will think it's brilliant." She paused as she lifted his other hand to do the other cufflink,  
  
"And funny. And your father will look down on you and be proud."  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Present day.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"No one other than Aura heard that speech though." Giles said casting his eyes down to his hands. His eyes falling on half his missing index finger,  
  
"That night at the Watcher's council's annual dinner, it was even more hellish than it normally was. Only when I say hellish, I mean literally."  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Watcher's Council's Annual Dinner.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Plates shattered as another table was thrown over, screams shattered the air as people realized they were locked in. There was no way out.  
  
Giles searched the mass hysteria from the stage, looking for Aura in the midst of it all. Her sparkling blue dress shimmered as it moved gracefully towards him. He ducked as one of the vampires swung a blow at him. Giles was quick on the re-bound, brushing the vampire's feet from underneath him. He took the opportunity to jump off the stage. Aura appeared in front of him as he bent to retrieve a chair leg from the floor. Their hands took hold of each other's quickly, finding support in them,  
  
"Aura see if you can break the locks." Aura nodded understanding and turned away. Giles caught her by the arm and she turned back. Their lips brushed,  
  
"Be careful." Giles said, looking into her warm brown eyes,  
  
"You too." She said as they parted and went their separate ways.  
  
It seemed like hours had passed before they finally met up again. The Watchers had managed to disperse the vampires, taking them out one by one, but not without heavy casualties. White shirts were now stained red and the cream carpet in the large ballroom was ruined forever.  
  
Aura found herself searching through the wave of people huddled close in the gardens of the large mansion that was owned by Quentin Travers. An accumulation of ambulances had gathered on the gravel drive and people were being seen to. Some others were being carried out the door in body bags and Aura feared the worst. Her heart was beating so fast she thought it would explode in her chest. She shivered as she stood by the front door, waiting for him to appear; her head throbbing as the blood hardened above her right eyebrow. She would have a scar, but she didn't care. She would have a larger scar if she didn't find Rupert.  
  
Suddenly out of the sea of people he appeared and Aura let out a cry as she got up and ran to him,  
  
"Rupert." She said flinging her arms round him. He held her gently with one arm. She pulled away from him, looking up at him her eyes twinkling. Giles hand went to her head where she was hurt and she automatically pulled away. He put an arm round her and led her away from the house,  
  
"We need to get your head seen to." He said soothingly. Her hand tried to find his, but he pulled it out of reach. Aura stopped, frowning,  
  
"Rupert, what's wrong?" she reached for his hand again and caught his arm instead. She pulled it back into view of the spotlights above the entrance to the house. His hand was a bloody mess and half of his index finger was missing. She let out a small gasp before looking up into his pained eyes,  
  
"That attack was deliberate. Wasn't it?" she asked him, shivering again. Giles removed his jacket with some difficulty, before wrapping it round Aura,  
  
"Someone wants the Watcher's council out of the picture, that much is true." He said before leading Aura away to one of the ambulances. 


	6. Where have you been?

Chapter 6  
  
************************************************************************  
  
I'm waiting for your healing hands; one touch can bring me round.  
  
"Just the way I'm feeling" Feeder  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Willow could see Giles energy draining from him as he continued to speak, but his will power to keep his eyes open was amazing. She didn't want to let him continue. He needed rest, she knew that, but he was determined to finish his explanation and so she gave him that grace.  
  
Giles took another sip of the water and felt it burning the whole way down his throat, he was so thirsty though. He didn't think he would eat solid food ever again, and he couldn't remember the last time he had had a proper meal. It was probably that night of the Watcher's Council's Annual dinner. His energy levels were low and he found it hard to grip the glass in his hand. Trying to focus on faces was a different matter entirely and instead he found himself floating in the room and memories of the past as he continued his story.  
  
"All of the council was on high alert after that night, and everyone seemed to be scared to set foot in the headquarters. Quentin wouldn't return to his home and he ended up spending most of his time in London. The vampire population seemed to rise dramatically, and Watcher's started to disappear one by one.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
A week after the annual dinner.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
"Hello?" Giles asked gruffly into the telephone receiver, while fumbling for the clock on the bedside table to see what time it was,  
  
"Mr. Giles? It's Edward Shanks here. We're having a bit of a problem down at Bothell's estate. Could you possibly."  
  
"I'll be there in twenty minutes." Giles said sighing, before hanging up the phone. He had finally found the clock, discovering in was only two in the morning, an hour after he had crawled into bed. He pulled back the covers awkwardly and threw his feet over the edge of the bed,  
  
"Rupert?" Giles turned to look at the sleepy voice as he de-tangled himself from the bed sheets,  
  
"Where are you going now?" Aura asked, pulling her self into a sitting position,  
  
"They need me at the Bothell estate. Nothing for you to worry about," he said leaning over to kiss her.  
  
"I'll be back soon." He said pulling on a pair of trousers over his boxers and grabbing a jumper from the chair by the door,  
  
"Be careful," Aura called after him before sinking back into the bed covers. She shifted herself over to the other side of the bed, lying in the indent Rupert had left behind and savoring the warmth there. She curled up into a ball pulling the covers close, and smelling the musty aftershave that Rupert no longer wore.  
  
She lay there for a long time, waiting, unable to get back to sleep again. Finally she was so tired she could no longer keep her eyes open and she drifted off into nightmares of what could have happened to him.  
  
The alarm buzzing next to her ear awoke her from the bloody mess of Rupert's body lying on the living room floor. She blinked a couple of times in the dimly lit room, discovering that she was still the only one in the bed. Her hearted hammered in her chest as she punched the alarm, screaming at it to shut up. She pulled herself from the bedcovers as she heard the key turning in the front door. She made her way into the kitchen pulling her scrunched nighty straight. A disheveled looking Rupert stood in the doorway, his jumper ripped to shreds, and beneath that she could see cuts that were still bleeding,  
  
"Not that long you said! Don't worry, I'll be fine!" she shouted at him as he turned to close the door, before turning back to look at her,  
  
"Travers is dead."  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Willow watched Giles eyes close and the glass starting to slip from his hand. She caught it before he spilt it and set it on the coffee table,  
  
"Xander, Spike will you-"  
  
"Sure Will." Xander said moving his wife from his lap. Willow removed the blanket from Giles,  
  
"Giles?" his eyes fluttered open, barely able to focus on her,  
  
"Spike and Xander and going to help you up the stairs into bed." She said softly to him. He barely seemed to register what she had said, his eyes closing again. But he responded by moving his legs off the sofa, slowly and carefully. Spike and Xander moved to either side of him and helped him to his feet, careful to not harm him anymore than he had been already.  
  
It seemed ages before Spike and Xander finally got the Watcher into Buffy's old room and lain down on the bed. His eyes were still closed and both Spike and Xander assumed he was asleep already,  
  
"It's not changed." He said after a moment, his eyes barely open,  
  
"Still Buffy's- still Buffy's room-," he said so quietly he was almost inaudible,  
  
"I'll sit with him for a bit." Xander said to Spike, pulling up the chair from beside Buffy's dresser,  
  
"Just in case-" Just in case of what? Just in case he died? Just in case he didn't wake up? What could Xander do if that happened? His head bowed away from Spike and Giles to the floor. What were they going to do?  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Spike came back into the living room and found Dawn and Anya still curled up in their separate chairs. Willow had disappeared to the kitchen he presumed and Tara had moved herself up onto the couch,  
  
"Well now story times over, what say I do a quick patrol?" Tara looked up at the blond vampire,  
  
"Yeah," she said slowly, as if unsure of the word, "I'll come with you Spike." She said standing. She moved past him and up the stairs to change her trousers and get a jumper. Anya uncurled her feet out from under, and started to brush her crumpled trousers,  
  
"Where's Xander?" she asked looking behind the vampire, searching for the man she loved,  
  
"He's upstairs with Watcher. Said he wanted to watch him." Spike smiled at the irony of his words. A watcher who needed watched. Anya looked as though she was going to go up the stairs after him, but she instead started to rock back and forth on her feet,  
  
"I'll come with you too." She said wrapping her arms round herself, giving the impression she was already out in the night air. Dawn was the next to move,  
  
"I think I'm going to go to bed." She said glancing at the clock and realizing it was only seven, but she didn't care. The truth was she wanted to sit with Giles, hoping that someway her being there would keep him safe. That she could stop happening to him what had happened to her sister and her mother. Dawn didn't think she could lose anyone else. She moved towards the stairs, stretching her legs and arms. She stopped by Spike and reached on tiptoes to kiss him, before she turned to look at Anya,  
  
"Night." She said solemnly to both of them. She reached the stairs and hesitated at the bottom, turning down the hall into the kitchen instead. Willow was stood over the kettle, willing it to boil  
  
"What yah doing?" Dawn asked, trying to sound cheery as she took a glass from the cupboard before filling it with water,  
  
"Making Giles something to eat. I don't care if he's not hungry he needs to eat. He's so- he's so thin." Willow said in a strangled whisper her eyes starting to leak. Dawn put the water down and went to Willow, wrapping her arms round her as Dawn's eyes started well again,  
  
"He's strong Will." She said sobbing,  
  
"He'll get through this." She said pulling away as the kettle boiled. Willow turned her attention back to it and poured the hot water into the ready break that was already in the bowl. She looked at it for a moment, trying to remember whether English people had their porridge with sugar or salt. Eventually she came down on the side of sugar and started to rummage in the cupboard.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Willow pushed open the door to Buffy's room slowly and gently, careful to hold the tray in her hand's straight so as not to spill anything on it. Xander was slouched in the chair next to the bed, his head leaning on his shoulder, his mouth open slightly. She smiled at how cute he looked, even with a worried frown on his face. She set the tray down on the bedside table and tapped Xander on the shoulder,  
  
"Huh? What? What happened? Where are they?" he said, startling awake. Willow smiled faintly at his confusion,  
  
"The others are going patrolling." She said simply and Xander got up abruptly from the chair,  
  
"I'll go with." He said, stifling a yawn as he moved away from the bed. He stopped short of the door and turned back to look at Giles still form,  
  
"Will, if anything-"  
  
"I'll call you."  
  
"Got my phone." He said, smiling warmly at her before he left the room, closing the door behind him quietly.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Xander pulled on his jacket as he bounded down the couple of steps of the Summer's residence, catching up to the small group. His hand found Anya's quickly before they fell instep behind Tara and Spike who were chatting lightly about the twist in the plot of last night's Passion's episode. The trivialness of their conversation didn't last long and discussion moved onto Giles, the watcher's council, and his new love Aura.  
  
Somewhere behind them a twig snapped, but the group didn't notice as the figure moved back down the street the way they had come. It reached the Summer's mailbox and looked at the house for a moment, taking in the one light downstairs and the two upstairs. The figure swallowed loudly, heaving the backpack further onto their back to avoid accidentally dropping it on the sidewalk. A minute passed before they finally plucked up enough courage to move into the yard and into the light on the porch. Their had poised before the door before they knocked confidently on the wood, waiting. 


	7. Sick of the past

Chapter 7  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"Feel sick after every meal.  
  
Sleep, I'd sleep everyday, wipe the cobwebs away. I need to be loved.  
  
Christ! I'm out of my mind I need to be loved.  
  
So I turn to you and I say, thank goodness for the good souls that make life better."  
  
"Good Souls" Starsailor  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"Giles?" There was no answer,  
  
"Giles?" His head rolled about on the pillow, as if searching for the voice,  
  
"Giles, please." Willow whispered in desperation. She wanted to let him sleep forever, but she knew that he needed to eat something before he faded away to nothing. He responded this time, by looking up at her with slated eyes. His eyelids fluttered for a moment, looking almost translucent,  
  
"I need you to eat something for me." Willow said, helping the man to sit up in the bed awkwardly. She propped all the pillows she could find behind his head and back in an effort to keep him upright. The problem was she didn't know how she was going to keep him awake long enough to get a substantial amount of food into him.  
  
Giles swallowed wearily, the effort to keep himself breathing was becoming too hard now. Willow sat herself on the bed beside him, bowl of porridge in hand. She hesitated, scared he would snap at her if she tried to help him to eat. She remembered how he hated being treated as an invalid. But he was an invalid; he could barely keep his eyes open, let alone hold a spoon and lift it to his mouth.  
  
After much consideration she decided she would offer him the bowl then wait and see. He took it in shaky hands and let it drop into his lap. He stared at it for a moment, before picking up the spoon with some difficulty and proceeded to eat it. Each mouthful was swilled around his mouth several times before he swallowed. He cringed every time he did so, even though the porridge wasn't that hot, he still felt his throat burning the whole way down into his stomach. Although the burning in his stomach could be due to the fact that he had taken painkillers before he had eaten anything. He didn't think it would matter, the amount of damage that was already done to him left him wondering if any more damage could be done. He took another mouthful and his lungs felt as though they were on fire. He wouldn't be surprised by it, after the amount of smoke he had inhaled.  
  
Everything on fire.  
  
People waving their arms about madly.  
  
Mutilated corpses.  
  
Blood everywhere.  
  
O God. there was so much blood.  
  
Giles stomach wretched and he fought the definite rising sickness. The spoon clattered back into the bowl and he pushed it away as if that would somehow make it better. Yet a few seconds later he found himself leaning over the side of the bed, throwing up the few mouthfuls he had taken and the glass of water he had consumed earlier.  
  
Willow watched as Giles threw up, unable to save the carpet in time. She let him empty the contents of his stomach, sitting next to him, rubbing his back like she remembered her mother doing when she had been ill at a younger age. He continued to wretch long after he had lost everything in his stomach, and Willow feared he would start to throw up his insides. She heard the knock at the door downstairs, but she didn't move from beside Giles, only bile and phlegm coming out now,  
  
"Dawn, will you get that." She called out, not sure if it was loud enough for the teenager to hear, but she still wouldn't move even if a second knock came. She continued to watch him, scared that at any moment she would see blood. Yet after a while Giles stopped, letting himself fall back into the pillows, clutching at his ribs,  
  
"Sorry," he mumbled as Willow reached for a tissue from the box, handing it to him. Giles took the tissue gratefully and wiped his mouth,  
  
"Don't apologize. It's good that you got all the toxins out. You should feel better now." She said standing up, hoping there would be some truth in what she said, but she doubted it,  
  
"I'll just go get something to clean this up. Try and drink something at least." She said handing him the glass of water. He looked at it dubiously, as if it was the thing that was making him want to the throw up. He didn't think he could put anything back in his stomach without it wanting to get rid of it again. He watched Willow leave the room before letting his eyes fall on the glass again. He knew she was right. He had to drink and eat, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn't bring himself to do so.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Dawn yawned again as she continued to sip on her glass of water, staring at the radio as it played the latest song by Michelle Branch. She wasn't listening to the words of the song though; she was listening to Giles words. What he had told them all earlier. Quentin Travers was dead, she would have loved to have seen her sisters face at that point. Giles had someone else in his life. Giles had another life, away from Sunnydale. Dawn had never thought about it before, but Giles did have another life. Her head sunk into her left hand.  
  
"A life where he didn't have essays to hand in for college tomorrow." She said to the empty room, sighing. She could sit with him and do her homework. Maybe he would help? He was the fountain of knowledge so he was bound to know something about 16th century artists. Would take his mind off the things that had happened over the past month, plus she could spend some time with him.  
  
Dawn was probably the one out of the whole of the Scooby gang that had missed him most, perhaps save Willow. When her father had left she had been disappointed. When her mother had died she didn't think she would be able on, but her sister had been there for her. They had been there for each other and they had dealt. But when her sister had given her life for Dawn's. It brought tears to Dawn's eyes just thinking about it.  
  
Giles leaving had been the last straw but Xander and the others had picked her up and pushed her on. Spike had been a big help. He had always been there no matter what had happened, and.  
  
Dawn was pulled away from her thoughts by a knock at the front door, a reminder somehow that she still had assignments to do and she better get moving. She slid off the chair as she heard Willow's faint call from upstairs. She left the glass where it was and moved through the house to the front door. She stifled another yawn before opening it. They weren't expecting anyone, but somehow Dawn knew who it would be, even if she did not recognize the person.  
  
A woman in her early forties stood on the doorstep, a bag slung over her shoulder. Her long black flowing locks were wet, but it was brushed back off her shoulders into a pleat. Her warm brown eyes stared at Dawn hopefully for a moment, before she suddenly remembered herself,  
  
"Sorry, I- uh- I-" when she spook her accent was instantly recognizable as English, but Dawn didn't know which part of England it was. All she knew was that the woman wasn't from the same part as Giles. A stray hair fell in front of her face and she brushed it roughly away, before turning her eyes on Dawn again,  
  
"You don't know me, but my name is Aura Stevenson. I'm - That is to say -"  
  
"You're a friend of Giles." Aura looked suddenly overwhelmed with relief at the mention of the name,  
  
"He's here. Thank God." She sighed suddenly feeling relaxed,  
  
"He told you about me?" Dawn nodded, before she stepped aside,  
  
"You better come in." She said before leading Aura into the living room and motioning to the sofa. Aura took it up gratefully, a rest for her feet and her aching body. She didn't look nearly as bad as Giles. She also looked as if she had had a shower before arriving here, but that didn't stop the tired aching look in her eyes showing. Dawn heard the stairs creaking as feet came down them,  
  
"Willow?" Dawn questioned, moving towards the stairs. Willow came into sight,  
  
"Sorry I couldn't get it Dawn. Giles stomach didn't take too kindly to porridge." She said sadly before she reached the bottom of the stairs,  
  
"Who was at the door anyway?" she said before she saw the figure moving back out into the hall at the mention of Giles name,  
  
"Is he all right? I was scared that I wouldn't be able to get him here safely. Can I see him?" Aura blurted out as she watched Willow with anticipation,  
  
"Dawn will you go get some kitchen roll and see if you can tidy up upstairs." Dawn hesitated for a moment before moving towards the kitchen,  
  
"Tell Giles I'll be up soon." Willow called after her before motioning for Aura to go back into the living room,  
  
"I'm guessing you're Aura." She said softly. Aura nodded sadly as she perched on the edge of the sofa.  
  
"I'm sorry I sent him to you. I didn't know what else to do, and also I knew that if I didn't send him now you would never see him again. He would never come back here under his own willpower."  
  
"He said that it was you that sent him here."  
  
"I know I would have been better taking him to a hospital, but-" she sighed heavyhearted again, placing her head in her hands as she heard footfalls on the stairs again. There was a silence for a moment as Willow sat down beside Aura and put a comforting hand on her arm,  
  
"I'm Willow." She said, feeling as if she should be introducing herself. Aura looked up at Willow, grateful for the support,  
  
"Rupert's told me all about you. He's told me about all of you. He cares for you all so much and he regrets leaving. Please don't hold him to that." Willow frowned,  
  
"I wouldn't. I couldn't." she said shaking her head vigorously. Aura looked up the stairs, changing the subject,  
  
"The other girl, she's Buffy's sister? Dawn?" Willow nodded,  
  
"The others are out at the moment. You'll meet them when they come back."  
  
"How is he?" Aura blurted out, turning back from the stairs. Willow, sighed, watching Aura for a moment, not sure if she should tell Aura how bad it was, but surely she knew,  
  
"Do you want to see him?"  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"Maybe we should be heading back now." Xander said looking at his watch. They hadn't been out very long but it was obvious all their minds were back at the house, wondering how Giles was and if anymore of his story had been unraveled. Anya twirled the stake she had in her hand a couple of times, bored and anxious, but she neither agreed nor disagreed with her husband,  
  
"Do you think we could renew our vows? So Giles could be there?" she said, suddenly turning on Xander. Everyone turned to look at her, but no one answered her.  
  
"He's missed a lot." Tara said eventually.  
  
"Bit going to college."  
  
"Faith getting out of jail."  
  
"Our wedding."  
  
"Dead boy coming over for a visit. And then us nearly being killed."  
  
"Speak for yourself Harris. I weren't planning on dying anytime soon."  
  
"The end of the world."  
  
"Always a party."  
  
"He's missed a lot." Tara repeated after they had all more or less finished listing things.  
  
"Looks like he's the one going to me missing you soon." The group turned as one, seeing the vampire standing behind them,  
  
"Wouldn't be so cocky mate." Spike said stepping up to the challenge. At least a dozen other vampires stepped out from the surrounding shrubbery,  
  
"You sure 'bout that Spike?"  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Dawn paused outside her sister's room, a bowl in hand that contained a cloth and kitchen roll. She clutched them tighter before she reached for the handle. She entered the room nervously at first, but when she caught sight of Giles slumped over the edge of the bed coughing and spluttering she ran into the room. She dropped what she was carrying without a second thought, going to Giles. She attempted to ease him back onto the bed, catching sight of the upturned glass rolling on the floor,  
  
"Giles come on, sit back -" she stopped as his stomach heaved again, blood coming out of his mouth. Dawn's eyes widened,  
  
"Willow!" she screeched at the top of her voice. She managed to get him back onto the bed as he continued to cough, blood running down his chin now,  
  
"Willow!" she called with even more desperation, so loud she thought her lungs would explode,  
  
"WILLOW!" 


	8. Everyone would be safe

Chapter 8  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"Hold me when I'm here, Right me when I'm wrong, Hold me when I'm scared, and love when I'm gone.  
  
"When I'm gone" 3 Doors Down  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"Uh - Spike." Xander looked round at the advancing vampire's as he clutched Anya's and Tara's hands to give them support. Or to give himself support, he wasn't sure which at the moment,  
  
"Lets not piss the nice vampires off."  
  
"Sod off Harris." Spike said without moving his eyes from the leader, whom he recognized from the bar he had been at last week,  
  
"Come on mate. Think about this, 'aye?" The vampire's eyes narrowed on Spike,  
  
"What's there to think 'bout Spike? Slayer's gone, been gone for a while. Only you've been keeping secrets." The vampire smirked, taking a step forward,  
  
"You and your friends are going the same way as her by the looks of it." The vampire struck out at Spike and that was the signal to start the fight.  
  
Xander felt both of the girls' hands being dragged from his grasp. He reached into his pocket for a stake as he turned but it was soon taken from his hand and then he was fighting for his life.  
  
As he hit the floor for the second time he suddenly wished he had Buffy.  
  
He wished that she were still alive.  
  
The vampires would be dead within minutes.  
  
Everyone would be safe.  
  
He rolled over and pushed himself to his feet. He lashed out at the nearest vampire with a punch. A second one followed and before the vampire had even hit the ground another one was upon him.  
  
They were fighting a lost cause. It was hopeless. He knew this day would come sometime. He had dreamed about it before. The source of all nightmares.  
  
'Except from the one where you turn up to class wearing nothing but your underwear.' He thought to himself as he retrieved his stake from the ground and dusted his second vamp. He pulled a third off of Tara, dusting that one too.  
  
He was on his knees again in a matter of seconds. The vampire at his throat. Another two followed close behind.  
  
So this was it. This was how Alexander Lavelle Harris was going to die. After all these years saving the world from impending doom, he was going to die at the hands of vampires.  
  
He wondered if they would get the grass stains out of his beige cargos he had on. He doubted it.  
  
He closed his eyes as he waited, the energy in him drained before the first vampire's fangs even pierced his neck. He tried to throw them off, but it was too late.  
  
The load was getting lighter. One disappeared; the second one was dust. Then the last one was gone and he could breath again.  
  
Xander opened his eyes to look for his savior, catching a glimpse of the blond hair above him. Spike again. Xander had lost count of the number of times Spike had saved his life,  
  
"Thanks, I -" a hand reached down to him to help him to his feet. The hand was softer than the vampires should be, smaller too. His eyes looked back up as his vision began to clear, and dots stopped dancing in front of his eyes. He realised that the blond figure that stood before him wasn't Spike,  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Willow was already on the bottom step when she heard her name called with desperation. She took the next step shakily as she started up the stairs, scared of what she would fine. The second call of her name brought her running up the stairs two at a time, Aura right behind her. She weaved round the corner, heading straight into Buffy's room where a frightened Dawn stood,  
  
"Dawn what -" she trailed off as she saw Giles, Aura moving past her to the man at the same time. Giles was slumped back on the bed, his eyelids translucent as his head rolled from side to side as if fighting something inside his head.  
  
"Rupert." Aura squeaked feebly as she moved beside the bed, sitting on the edge. Her hand went to his head feeling the fever there. Another hand tried to stop his head from rolling from side to side. The blood running down his chin brought a pained gasp from her lips as Willow moved up behind her,  
  
"Giles?" there was no answer, not that she was expecting one. Her hands went to her head, running her fingers through her hair.  
  
"Willow? Do you -"  
  
"Hush Dawn, let me think." Willow watched Giles for a moment before turning away, thinking. How could she think though? She wished she had Tara, she couldn't think straight. Buffy would have known what to do and Willow so desperately wished she were still alive.  
  
Everyone would be safe.  
  
"Aura!" Willow said turning back to the woman, she looked as though she would burst into tears any moment,  
  
"Can you teleport him back to England?" Aura sniffed, looking away from Giles for a moment. She was obviously distracted and the desolation in her eyes suddenly made her realize how much Aura cared for Giles,  
  
"I can't." she said shaking her head unhappily,  
  
"I can't send him back. Not - he has to be conscious. He has to concentrate on where he's going, otherwise we'd lose him. He could end up in - he could end up anywhere." She looked back at Giles, her hand brushing his hair from his sweat-drenched forehead,  
  
"This is all my fault. If I had just taken him to the hospital, he would -" Aura trailed off, knowing where the sentence was leading but not wanting to speak it out loud.  
  
Dawn slipped out of the room quietly as Willow continued to pace, not even having the energy to comfort Aura. She couldn't even comfort herself and say that it would be ok. Giles would be fine and he wouldn't die. She wouldn't lose him like she lost Buffy.  
  
A tear slipped down her check. She was going to lose him though,  
  
"We have to take him to the hospital." She said eventually,  
  
"We can't - I can't watch him die here." She shook her head as she sunk into the chair beside the bed,  
  
"I just can't."  
  
"He's in the country illegally though." Aura said, not looking away from Giles, keeping her hands on his head, trying to cool it down,  
  
"How are we going to explain that?"  
  
"I don't know. I just - we'll think of something."  
  
No more words were shared between the two women. No more words were needed. It was strange how grief brought people together. Willow and Aura had only met a few minutes ago, yet it already seemed like they had known each other a lifetime. They felt as if that they had shared everything, knowing Giles had brought them closer. And losing Giles would bring them closer still.  
  
Dawn came back into the room, a bowl of water and cloth in hand. She managed to get past Willow and Aura so she could set the bowl down on the edge of the table. She dipped the cloth into the water before ringing it out and placing it on Giles forehead. His head seemed to desist rolling as it relished the coolness of the water.  
  
Dawn wanted nothing more than to break down into tears but someone had to keep their head when all about were losing theirs. She would be just as devastated if she lost Giles, but she didn't want to think about losing him. She had lost too many people she loved already. She wished Buffy were still here though.  
  
Everyone would be safe.  
  
She had just got him back, she wasn't planning on losing him again. But then losing someone was never planned.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Xander was pulled to his feet and left to stand and stare. There was a moment when Xander's hand would not let go of hers, scared that if he let go she would disappear forever. But she pulled her hand free,  
  
"Xander I have to help them." She said running back down the hill towards his friends. Towards her friends. Xander's eyes watched her go, unable to form vowel sounds let alone words. She hadn't changed in those three years. She was older maybe and now she was so very much alive. His knees shook beneath him and he grasped the nearest headstone, letting it take his weight as he watched her and the other's fighting.  
  
Had someone heard his wish? His pray? He doubted it. He had prayed so hard before to have Buffy back and no one had let him have her. So why was she back now? Or had she ever been gone?  
  
Xander shook his head. Of course she had, he had been there the day they had buried her. The day they had laid her to rest.  
  
He felt like he had been asleep the past three years and now he was finally waking up, realising that Buffy had not been lost, Giles had never gone away and Dawn had never been the key. His big wedding day was still to come and he had the rest of his happy life ahead of him. Yet he knew that he had been awake the whole time and everything he wished had been a dream had actually happened.  
  
His knees finally found their strength again and he started back down the hill. The vampires had begun to disperse yet no one but himself had noticed Buffy. Maybe he was delusional. But the hand that he had held had been very real.  
  
The grave he had taken strength from continued to stand tall and fast the name of 'Buffy Anne Summers' defining its strength. 


	9. My guardian Angel

Author notes: Quotes at the beginning of this chapter are from the actual program. They are from the episodes as follows:  
  
Buffy in "Prophecy Girl" Season One  
  
Giles in "Restless" Season Four  
  
Willow in "Restless" Season Four  
  
Buffy in "The Gift" Season Five  
  
Giles in "The Gift" Season Five  
  
Giles in "The Gift" Season Five (later on in the chapter)  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Chapter 9  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"I'm not supposed to be scared of anything,  
  
But I don't know where I am,"  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"Read me the signs! Tell me my fortune. You're so useful sitting here with all of your books! You're really a lot of help!"  
  
"Look into the light."  
  
"Do you know this is your fault?"  
  
"Tell me to kill my sister!"  
  
"You'll fail. You'll die. We all will."  
  
He'd failed her and she'd died. Would he die now?  
  
Was this hell?  
  
He had never had seen it before. A desert stretching out before him. It could be anywhere in the world but he would still be far from home.  
  
But where was home now?  
  
With Aura? He loved Aura, there was no questioning that and she loved him.  
  
He had spent so long hiding in England. But was that where he really belonged? Maybe - or maybe here was home now. Maybe he would be stuck in this hot hell forever.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
"I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted,  
  
and nobody understands."  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
He wanted nothing more than to sink to his knees, give in and be done with everything. Yet he still trudged on.  
  
He could feel the heat burning into him. So hot.  
  
The stones underneath his bare feet digging in, making the blood run from them. It dried in an instant on the stones as he continued to drag his feet on. Unwilling, unbidden and yet he knew if he stopped he would never start again, and he had to keep going.  
  
Never give up.  
  
Don't they understand?  
  
Hope was all he had left.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"I'm trying hard to breath now,  
  
But there's no air in my lungs."  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
He licked at his lips, trying to keep them moist, but it was impossible.  
  
He sucked in as much air as he could, but it hurt to breathe. It burned.  
  
The air was so dry and no water or rain had ever fallen here.  
  
The land was barren. Empty. Void of all hope.  
  
He wheezed and panted as he continued on, feeling his throat had closed on him.  
  
No air would pass into his lungs anymore.  
  
Air was life. Life was gone.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"There's no one here to talk to,  
  
and the pain inside is making me numb."  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
"Jenny?"  
  
"Someone?" his voice caught and he stumbled.  
  
He lay on the ground for a moment, wishing someone was there to help him, but he was alone. His broken bloody feet scrambled about widely as he pulled himself to his feet. His feet were of no concern to him at the moment.  
  
"She's a hero you see, not like us." He heard the words echo in the air, so familiar now. He pushed himself on,  
  
"I'm sorry." He rasped out barely audible.  
  
What was he sorry for? Who was he saying it?  
  
He was sorry for everything.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"Feeling weak and weary,  
  
walkin' through this world alone."  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
His eyes dropped, heavy in the sun that beat on him like a baseball bat, wanting him to give in.  
  
He walked.  
  
He walked for so long his muscles felt like they burned and the blood pumping round him felt like battery acid.  
  
He walked until he wondered when the sun would go down.  
  
Would it ever?  
  
He was alone now.  
  
No one to save him from what he had done, what he had seen.  
  
What had he seen?  
  
Could he even remember?  
  
He laughed as he continued to stumble on.  
  
Of course he could.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"I'm blind and shakin',  
  
Bound and breakin',  
  
I hope I'll make it."  
  
"Changes" 3 Doors Down  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
He stopped.  
  
His eyes gazed round the horizon, but he couldn't see anything.  
  
His knees finally gave way beneath him and he collapsed onto the sharp stones.  
  
They cut into him as he lay there physically shaking.  
  
He felt as if he was falling, starting to learn that he possessed wings, but his wings were broken and there was no one there to catch him.  
  
Tears started to slide down his dust-covered face, leaving paths as they went. He wanted to drink them. They were dry before they even reached his mouth though.  
  
Suddenly the lightest breeze touched his head.  
  
"You have to hold on, for me."  
  
He knew that voice, but it couldn't be,  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
A couple of days ago.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Rupert Giles stood amidst the rubble that was once the Watcher's council's headquarters, his comrades in arms fallen around him. He was alone against an undefeated army. The coven was his last hope against what stood before him.  
  
The portal shimmered before him and he resented himself for ever meeting Ethan Rayne. If he hadn't then maybe he wouldn't know what lay behind the beautiful purple hue that shimmer in the early morning light. Chaos. Of course now, Ethan had nothing to do with it. In some ways it would make things seem easier. There would be hope that things could be resolved. But this was evil, pure and simple and the only way to stop chaos reigning on earth again was to close the portal.  
  
Water dripped from the end of his nose as the rain continued to fall about him, putting out small fires here and there. The battle had been fought but the war was not over.  
  
Giles sighed as he started to move across the rubble, picking his way carefully towards the portal that was growing steadily. He passed people he knew lying bloody and broken in amongst the rocks and plasterboard. Horrific sights that could never possibly be erased from his eyes. Others were still alive and moaning silently. Giles wanted to stop and help, but if he did he knew that it would be to no avail. They would die anyway.  
  
He reached the portal as it continued to expand, afraid he would be sucked in, but he held his ground as he started to chant in Latin,  
  
"Claudo et Cingi aversabilis Chaos. Claudo et Cingi aversabilis Chaos. Claudo et Cingi aversabilis Chaos."  
  
The portal stopped growing and started to retreat in on itself. Giles watched it do so, breathing a sigh of relief. His eyes turned away from the closing portal for a moment to look at the distant sunrise on the horizon. It glowed pink, red and orange and Giles remembered the old saying,  
  
'Red sky at night is shepherds delight, red sky at morning is shepherds warning.'  
  
It may not be a good day for shepherds with the rain the way it was, but the world was safe for the moment.  
  
Giles legs finally gave out, unable to hold him any longer, but something caught him, pulling him towards the portal. A clawed hand reached out from it, holding Giles jumper tight. In the instant that the portal disappeared Rupert Giles did too, taken into a world of chaos. But in that spilt second Giles felt himself being pulled in both directions, as if some invisible force was trying to keep him from going into another world. Something that knew he wasn't supposed to go there no matter what happened.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Dust and move on. Dust and move on. There was no time to get into the fight when there were so many of them. Spike knew that as well as any other good fighter. He paused for a moment to check on the others. Anya and Tara were managing to successfully keep a couple of vampires at bay. He saw Xander coming back down the hill and automatically going for the nearest vamp turning it to dust instantly. There was another girl though; her back to him and if he didn't know any better he would say it was Buffy. She was dead though. Spike had grieved her loss, he had cried all the tears he could for her but that didn't make him not love or miss her any less. Yet as she turned towards him, dusting another vampire and he saw her blue-grey eyes and he thought he was delusional,  
  
"Buff -" he was cut off as a vampire's fist connected with his jaw and he went sprawling to the ground.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
The last vampire was dusted and the five friends were left staring at each other. Four unbelieving sets of eyes fell on Buffy, taking in her form, stood there as if she was on a normal night of patrolling. A smile spread across Buffy's face, she was so happy to see them all again, even Spike who was still sat on the floor, staring up at her in disbelief. She took a step forward, bringing her closer to the group. Xander looked as though he was about to find his voice again, but Buffy cut him off,  
  
"I'm real." She said as if pre-empting his question,  
  
"Why I'm back is a little more complicated," she said turning eyes on Anya who looked dumbfounded. She swore the words, 'Why are you back?' hadn't come out her mouth. Buffy's smile faded as she turned her eyes back on Xander,  
  
"Where's Giles?" 


	10. Follow the Light

Chapter 10 ~ Follow the Light  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"A lone pair of watchful eyes, oversee the living. Feel the presence all  
  
around, a tortured soul, a wound un-healing."  
  
"You can still be Free" Savage Garden  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Willow finally moved after what seemed like an eternity. Aura had barely  
  
dared to breathe but she jumped to her feet when Willow moved. She didn't  
  
know what to do but she felt more helpful standing.  
  
"Phone." Willow said after a moment moving away from the bed and out of  
  
Buffy's room,  
  
"Phone," Dawn heard her repeat as she heard the stairs creak under her  
  
weight. Dawn frowned and went back to dabbing the cloth on Giles forehead.  
  
She had wiped the blood away from his chin as well, but he looked as if he  
  
would threaten to throw up again even though he was unconscious. She removed  
  
the warm cloth; dipping it back in the bowl and discovering that the water  
  
was beginning warm as well. She left the cloth where it was as she heard the  
  
door open downstairs,  
  
"They're back." She said, not really to anyone in particular. She got up  
  
from the edge of the bed and Aura almost immediately took her place. Aura  
  
would take care of him until someone else came back upstairs Dawn thought as  
  
she ran down them,  
  
"Xander we -" her sentence stopped dead as she did too. She could see Willow  
  
in the living room the phone still to her ear in the same position.  
  
"Dawn." Buffy said, moving towards her sister,  
  
"Are you - Are you real?" Buffy nodded at her sister before she threw her  
  
arms round her,  
  
"How?" she asked in a strangled whisper as tears started to stream down her  
  
face.  
  
"I don't have time to explain just now." Buffy said pulling away and going  
  
up the stairs. There was a silence between the group that was broke by the  
  
clatter of Willow dropping the phone. Xander picked it up as Tara went to  
  
comfort her crying girlfriend,  
  
"Hello?" Xander asked into the phone,  
  
"Hello this is the emergency services, do you need some assistance?" Xander  
  
eyes widened, 'What had happened to Giles?' he thought,  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Yes - yes we do." He said before giving the address.  
  
"It's really her?" Willow whispered into Tara's ear,  
  
"It's really her sweetie."  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Buffy walked down the familiar corridor and opened the door to what had once  
  
been her room. She stepped into the room, closing the door quietly behind  
  
her before her eyes cast to the form lying on the bed. She faltered by the  
  
door as she took in the battered body of the man who had once been her  
  
Watcher.  
  
Was she too late already? God, it looked so much like it.  
  
If only they had sent her to the house instead of to her grave.  
  
She crossed the room to the bed and settled herself on the edge of it,  
  
placing a cold hand on Giles forehead. As she did so she felt a pang of  
  
guilt. She hadn't been able to pull him away from the portal.  
  
She was supposed to keep him safe.  
  
She was supposed to keep them all safe.  
  
She had been left to look after him and what had happened wasn't supposed  
  
to. He was supposed to be back at his flat in Bath, Aura trying to talk him  
  
into coming to Sunnydale right now, not already here and in pieces.  
  
She had failed him.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Lamppost.  
  
Tree.  
  
Car.  
  
Wall.  
  
It was making Willow sick watching everything rush by the car window,  
  
'Look into the distance Will,' she heard Xander saying to her all those  
  
years ago when they had gone to camp together. She couldn't really look into  
  
the distance as the wall was so high, nor could she bring herself to look  
  
out the front windscreen. The siren of the ambulance drilling a hole in her  
  
head was enough to make her sick as well. She couldn't think about anything  
  
at the moment, even though her mind was a whirl of thoughts.  
  
She remembered arguing over who was coming to the hospital. She knew they  
  
wouldn't have all fitted in the car, but that didn't stop them from trying.  
  
In the end they had left Tara, Anya and Spike behind, with a promise that  
  
they would call as soon as they had any news.  
  
Good or Bad.  
  
Buffy was back. She remembered that too. She didn't care why at the moment,  
  
Buffy was back, and that was enough. One big happy family reunited.  
  
Correction, one big family who was going to loose one of their members after  
  
just getting them back.  
  
She glanced in the rear-view mirror, watching Aura staring out the window,  
  
transfixed by the passing countryside. Dawn was beside her, huddled in the  
  
far corner, fidgeting with her hair, running her hands through it  
  
constantly, trying to take her mind of Giles. She had been babbling  
  
constantly about nothing in particular since they had got in the car. Xander  
  
had done the same for a while but he had given up,  
  
"Dawn you'll make your hair greasy."  
  
"What - Oh - yeah. Well it won't matter it's bath night and I fancy a long  
  
soak in the bath. Plus I've got my art folio paper to do for tomorrow so I  
  
could do that - yah know." She paused for a moment staring out the window,  
  
suddenly remembering she had hoped Giles would help her with it,  
  
"He won't now." She whispered to herself. No one commented on the words that  
  
came from her mouth, or questioned what she was talking about. They were  
  
scared. They didn't want to know. 'He' was obviously Giles, but what he  
  
wouldn't do was nothing they wanted to hear.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
The oppressive silence that surrounded the small group as they sat in the  
  
waiting room was almost killing Xander. Dawn had finally stopped talking,  
  
taking to staring at the form of her once dead sister instead. He wished  
  
someone would say something, say anything. He knew why everyone was so quiet  
  
though, it was a lot to digest.  
  
Giles and Buffy back both in the same day.  
  
Giles back looking like he had been to hell and Buffy looking more beautiful  
  
than he had ever remembered her. Almost glowing.  
  
It was just too much to get your head around, but what was making it worse  
  
he realized was the fact that he didn't know why either of them were here.  
  
Or more importantly where they had been.  
  
Buffy had traded hugs with everyone, saying how happy she was to see them  
  
again, but she had yet to tell them why she was back. Why she had been sent  
  
back to them. She had been introduced to Aura. They had looked at each other  
  
with a knowing smile, as if they shared some secret that the rest of the  
  
world was not in on. And obviously, Xander thought, would never get in on.  
  
A doctor appeared before them as if by magic,  
  
"Are you the group that came in with Mr. Giles?" Buffy brought herself to  
  
her feet automatically. Willow struggling to stand beside her,  
  
"How is he?" Willow said, obvious panic in her voice,  
  
"We've got him stable for the moment and up in a room. But what I fail to  
  
understand how he got in such a state. Many of his cuts and bruises are  
  
days, if not weeks old, and that knife wound -" he paused, placing a pen  
  
inside his jacket pocket,  
  
"Perhaps if I could talk to one of you?" The doctor asked, looking between  
  
Buffy and Willow,  
  
"Can we see him?" Willow asked, not answering the doctor's question. He  
  
sighed before nodding,  
  
"One at a time though, please. He's still in a critical condition, but I  
  
really do need to speak with one of you."  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Buffy's hand moved over Giles still head.  
  
She had left Aura and Willow to try and convince the hospital that Giles was  
  
in the country legally, knowing that the problem would not be solved without  
  
a little help from magic.  
  
She knew why she was back, she also knew she would have trouble explaining  
  
to the other's why she was back. She had meet Aura, formally now, and she  
  
somehow seemed to know. She seemed close to Giles. As close as she had been,  
  
as close as she would always be.  
  
The machines beeped rhythmically around her. She could hear his slow  
  
deliberate breathing above them all though. It gave her hope. Hope that she  
  
had not screwed up big time like she always did. She had screwed up so many  
  
times in life and now she was screwing things up in the after life. One  
  
simple job she had been given. Look after her friends. She highly doubted  
  
that the Powers That Be would be congratulating her at this moment in time.  
  
She had a second chance though.  
  
To put things right.  
  
To make sure Giles didn't die.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Giles tried to use his arms to shield himself from the sun. The hotness of  
  
it searing into him like a dozen pokers that had been left in the fire too  
  
long. It was hopeless though. He could feel his skin drying out, baking in  
  
the sun, moisture draining from it, sucking the life out of him,  
  
"You'll be all right."  
  
There it was again, her voice. The hope in it. The salvation.  
  
He felt a hand close around his and pull his arms from his eyes,  
  
"You have to be strong."  
  
Giles found himself being pulled to his feet. He didn't want to stand, could  
  
barely stand. He stopped his knees from shaking though as the sun still beat  
  
down on him. The hand that clasped his hand had no face, but the voice and  
  
the words he recognized.  
  
The hand pulled at his, leading him on through the desert. He followed  
  
willingly; knowing it would lead him to a better place. He knew that while  
  
the hand held him he was safe and nothing could break him.  
  
The sun seemed to get hotter, and he continued to sweat profusely. He wanted  
  
to take the clothes he was wearing off, but he couldn't. Each jumper he  
  
removed was replaced by a new one and still the hand lead him on.  
  
He felt water on his feet, like he was splashing through puddles as a child.  
  
The hand let him stop to drink, to wash and it felt good, it all felt so  
  
good. That was until things became clear, delusions passed and he was just  
  
left with the numbing pain. He felt himself collapse again, but someone was  
  
there, holding him, keeping him safe.  
  
His guardian Angel.  
  
They stroked his hair in a loving gesture, comforting him,  
  
"Giles?"  
  
He knew that name. It was his. The voice was closer, less distant. The water  
  
was gone from round him yet he felt much cooler. The warmth of the sun was  
  
no longer on him. The hand was still there though, clutching at his,  
  
"Giles?"  
  
He fought to open his eyes, screwing them up at first as if an automatic  
  
reaction, as he expected sun. He licked his still dry lips, but he didn't  
  
feel so dry anymore,  
  
"Buf -" His voice was hoarse and he didn't finish the word. He didn't need  
  
to. It was enough clarification to the hand that he was alive. He let his  
  
eyes open a little more, searching for the voice of the hand, finding  
  
comfort when he found it. 


	11. Fallen Tears

Chapter 11 ~ Fallen Tears.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"Hold on if you feel like letting go, hold on it gets better than you know."  
  
"Hold on" Good Charlotte  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Dust particles danced in the early morning light, casting a stream of light across the bed as Willow stood at the door of Giles room, watching both Buffy and Giles. Her eyes passed to their hands, Buffy's resting on top of the large Watcher's. They were both back, but Willow knew there was a bigger picture that she couldn't see.  
  
She knew that Buffy was not back merely because her friends had wished so hard for her, even though Willow would like to think otherwise. Xander had told her she had specifically asked for Giles when she first arrived, as if she already knew what had happened to him. There was something imperative about keeping Giles alive, apart from him just being alive and to save her and the others more grievances. She guessed that was the reason Buffy was here. The only reason Buffy was here.  
  
Tears stung at the back of her eyes and it was not long before she felt them falling. She scrunched up her eyes, trying to stop them, turning away from the door.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"I thought I'd lost you." Buffy said grinning widely at the man who had once been her protector, roles reversed now. He looked up at her confused, as he still felt her hand holding his,  
  
"It - it w-was you." He said after a moment, suddenly realizing how similar the hand that held his felt,  
  
"Me? What did I do?"  
  
"You lead me - lead me to -" he suddenly realized he didn't know where he was. Was it heaven? Was it hell? He certainly wasn't alive - Buffy was here,  
  
"To - here." He said after a moment.  
  
"The ambulance brought you here. I was with you - I - Giles you're in hospital." She said, watching his confused face for a moment before continuing,  
  
"You remember the portal? You remember something pulled you, and I - I tried to pull you back." She watched his face for some recognition that he knew what she was on about. Giles eyes seemed to glaze over at the mention of the portal and Buffy felt that familiar pang of guilt again,  
  
"I'm sorry Giles I tried so hard, but I couldn't - whatever it was had such a grip on you - It was stronger than me. I just - I couldn't. I'm so sorry." Buffy looked away, hurt by the expression he had on his face. She wondered about all the pain and turmoil of the things he had seen. Buffy had only caught a passing glimpse, but what he must have seen - She watched his eyes close in resignation to stay conscious and she let him go. He seemed more peaceful in sleep, and Buffy wanted to keep it that way.  
  
She turned away from him; her hand grasping tighter over his cold fingers and she caught sight of Willow by the door. She watched the form of the red head shy away and Buffy stood, reluctant to leave Giles at first. She squeezed his hand again, letting her lips brush against his clammy forehead,  
  
"I'll be back." He was dead to this world, but somehow she knew he could hear her. She left the room, quietly closing the door,  
  
"Willow?" her best friend stopped halfway down the corridor, pausing for a moment before she turned back,  
  
"I - Are you alright?" Buffy realized as soon as she asked it how stupid a question it had been, and Willow confirmed it for her. Moving back down the corridor she started to shake her head, smiling slightly,  
  
"Not really." She said, blue-grey eyes meeting green ones,  
  
"God Buffy. You're supposed to be dead. I watched them bury you three years ago and now here you are all bright and breezy as if nothing's happened. And Giles - he just ups and leaves because he can't bear to be without you, can't bear to be around us anymore, scared that he'll loose us the same way he lost you. Because you know Giles, blames everything on himself. And now he turns up three years later at your grave, beaten to a bloody pulp. I mean, I haven't even heard the whole story and yet you seem to know what's going on and you've not even been in this world." She stopped to breath, not even realizing that tears were rolling down her pale cheeks,  
  
"How do you think I'm supposed to feel? I'm happy - God I'm so happy that I've got you both back. But there are questions - fears that Giles won't make it. That you'll go away again. Why you're both here? What happened? God I don't think I could get my head round it if you told be what happened." Tears continued to flow as sobs started to escape the witch's lips,  
  
"What kind of question is, 'Are you alright?'" Buffy moved forward and encased Willow in her arms, hoping to take away all her fears and hopes, take away the pain for just one moment,  
  
"I'm sorry Will." She said after a while,  
  
"But answers will come. I promise you. Answers will come."  
  
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"Ok Xander, thanks." Tara put the phone down before she turned to Anya and Spike who were perched on the stools at the kitchen isle,  
  
"He's awake and the doctors say he should be fine." She picked up her juice, clasping it in her hands,  
  
"Aura's in with him at the moment, but Xander said they'd all be coming home soon for some sleep. Everyone's tired." She said, leaning against the counter and sipping nervously at her juice.  
  
"Yeah." Spike said getting up from his stool quite forcefully, causing it to clatter to the floor. He stooped and picked it up,  
  
"I'm gonna head off myself. Been a long night n' all." He said gesturing in the direction of the basement before he opened the door to it, leaving Anya and Tara.  
  
He closed the door behind him and padded down the stairs, pulling one of his boots off when he reached the bottom. He threw it at the wall, the second one following moments later,  
  
"Bitch!" he shouted at the wall, before falling to his knees, tears falling from his eyes. It had been three years and he had kept his promise, looking after Dawn for Buffy and slowly he'd gotten over it. Or at least he'd kidded himself he'd got over it. But how could he really? Not one of them had gotten over it even he could see that.  
  
Watcher had up and left. Bit seemed to get on with things just to prove to everyone it wasn't affecting her, but he had heard her crying herself to sleep some nights. She'd lost her sister and her mother in the same year and then Giles bloody ups and leaves too. What was the girl supposed to do? He had caught her with her nose in a book several times looking at resurrection spells, but never had she gone through with it. And Xander, well he'd almost stayed the same. He'd finally grown up though, got married and had a steady job for once in his life, didn't mean the guy didn't miss Buffy any less.  
  
God it even hurt to think about her name, but she was back now. It should be good, everything back to normal. Yet as Spike sat on the floor crying he knew that she wasn't staying long.  
  
'Bloody selfish of her,' he thought. But she wasn't even supposed to be here.  
  
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Aura's hand found Rupert's easily as she pulled up a seat beside the bed. She smiled warmly at him as he turned to face her,  
  
"Hi." She said meekly as she watched him. Her soft brown eyes fell on his green ones, but there was something different about them. She could see everything in those warm green eyes, but somehow there was nothing there anymore. He looked lost. As if someone had set him down somewhere and never come back from. As if he had been abandoned.  
  
"How are you feeling?" He blinked a couple of times, looking up at her. He frowned, watching her for a long moment before turning away from her to the window, closing his eyes,  
  
"I'm tired." He said, a sign that he wanted her to leave. Aura frowned, shocked by his reaction to her,  
  
"I'll - uh -" she stood up letting go of his hand,  
  
"I'll let you rest." She said leaning over to kiss his forehead. He didn't even react when she did that and it scared her. She moved away from the bed to the door. She paused as her hand rested on the door handle, looking back at him. She opened her mouth to say something again, but left it, opening the door and leaving him in his solitude.  
  
As he heard the door click too his eyes opened, staring at the open window where the blind had been pulled down. His head rolled back over to face the door, but he couldn't see Aura through the window. He blinked a couple of times as tears slipped from beneath his eyelids, sorry for what he had just done.  
  
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"Aura?" Willow asked moving down the corridor to the crying form of the woman. She placed a hand on her shoulder,  
  
"Hey, it's ok." Aura turned, sobbing into Willow's shoulder,  
  
"He'll be fine." Willow said making hushing noises,  
  
"You heard what the doctors said."  
  
"He's not. He's - Oh God -" a fresh wave of tears came and Willow put her arms round the crying woman, comforting her,  
  
"He looks so lost. Like he's not there anymore." Aura said in a strangled whisper. Willow felt tears slipping from her own eyes as Aura spoke. She just wished they knew what had happened to him, and then someway they could do something. But he wouldn't tell, or couldn't tell. He looked like he couldn't bare the pain anymore; it was almost like he had given up fighting. Giles had given up. That was scary in itself,  
  
"I think we just need some sleep." Willow said after a long pause, pulling away from Aura and wiping her eyes discreetly as Aura did the same,  
  
"We'll leave him to rest. Come back tonight?" Aura nodded, sniffing as she tried to stop fresh tears coming as the two witches headed back to the waiting room and the small group that were concerned for him. 


	12. Hero In My Eyes

Chapter 12 ~ Hero in my Eyes  
  
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"'Cause I can't take anymore of this, I want to come apart. Or dig myself a little hole inside your precious heart. 'Cause its always raining in my head. Forget all the things I should have said."  
  
"Epiphany" Stained  
  
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"Hell."  
  
Silence. The deadest silence of them all,  
  
"I think he was in Hell."  
  
Eyes stared at the Angel who had come from heaven to save Giles, to protect them all. But she brought such horrible news with her that they wished she hadn't come at all.  
  
"How long?" All eyes turned on the new love in his life.  
  
"Too long."  
  
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The hours before Giles appeared in Sunnydale.  
  
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Giles fell forward onto his face, groaning slightly, still sore from the previous days fight. He didn't have time to dwell on that though as he was lifted to his feet rather roughly, allowed to gaze out on a world he just didn't want to see. It rather reminded him of Dante's Compendium, but not the second or even the third part. He was stuck in the first part: The Inferno.  
  
The clawed hand that had grabbed him, bringing him through into this Hell grabbed him again, dragging him by the scruff of his coat down some stairs. He watched as other demons moved about behind him, human slaves at their heels. He watched in horror as someone dropped to their knees, blinded by pain and the unwillingness to go on. They were beat about the head for a few seconds before the demon got bored, snapped the humans neck and cast the body aside into a fire.  
  
He heard the demon snarl, speaking in its own tongue no doubt, to another. He was pushed roughly to the floor in a dark chamber and he grimaced as his ribs hit the floor, already broken. He heard more snarling at he brought himself to his knees, but was pushed roughly back down,  
  
"Pay homage to your new King." Giles eyes floated upwards as far as they could go, only to reach the glowing red eyes of something he wished he hadn't tried to gaze upon. Its eyes seemed to burn into him like a thousand hot pokers, making him sweat profusely,  
  
"He's damaged." The King snarled at Giles as he continued to stare right through him. His face, if one could call it a face, seemed to twist into a horrible sneer,  
  
"Use him for entertainment." Giles eyes widened as he was grabbed again and pulled off his feet, dragged down some more steps and thrown inside a cage, his jacket, jumper, shoes and socks taken from him roughly. He tried to make a break for it but found one of the demons grabbing him back the neck and slamming him into the bars. His back made a crunching noise that made him want to throw up, while at the same time he arched his back in pain,  
  
"Don't even think about it slave." The demon spat in his face,  
  
"You won't get out of here alive." Giles crumpled to the ground, breathing heavily as he heard the cage door slam shut. He was alone and scared and he believed the words that had come from the demon. It took a few weeks before it sunk in, but he really did believe he wouldn't get out alive.  
  
They starved him for a week and then gave him a slice of bread if he was lucky. Only it wasn't bread and Giles was too hungry to even question the origins of his food. A small cup of water was brought every second day. By the end of it Giles was so weak he could barely stand. He had seen horrific things. People tortured across from him, hanging in a similar cage to his. He had seen a young girl, the same age as Dawn, ripped open by demon claws and her heart taken from her. He had wretched and then been punished for doing so.  
  
Almost a month past before he tried to escape again. They only opened the cage when they wanted to change the venues in which the slaves were displayed for entertainment and Giles saw his chance to run. His chance was short lived as he turned the corner and was impaled by one of the guard's knives. He was pinned to the wall for what seemed like an eternity until he was dropped and dragged back to his cage. He was punished again, and just when he didn't think he could take much more it stopped. He was still lying on the ground, but the place was quiet and he wondered if he had died, if he had finally given in.  
  
When his eyes opened he was lying in amongst the rubble, the rain pouring down on him relentlessly, as the sun bobbed over the horizon. He heard someone calling his name and he tried to pull himself into a sitting position, groaning as he did so,  
  
"Rupert!" someone screamed as they moved towards him over the rubble. Arms encased him as Aura sobbed heavily into his shoulder,  
  
"God you didn't answer when we called you. I was so worried." Giles wrapped one of his arms round her, looking about trying to find the portal,  
  
"It worked?" he asked her softly,  
  
"It's closed." She said through her sobs of happiness. There was a long silence between the two where they just held each other, before Aura broke the silence,  
  
"Rupert?" he pulled away from her, seeing she had finally got her composure,  
  
"I want to send you to Sunnydale. I think - you need to get away from here after what's happened. And I think it's time for you to see them again." She watched him for a long moment, looking into his blood shot eyes, not caring that he looked so much different that he had done when they had last talked almost two days ago. He blinked before nodding and she took his hands in hers,  
  
"I'll be there soon." She said kissing him before telling him to concentrate on where in Sunnydale he wanted to turn up, as she began to chant in Latin. His first thought was the Magic Box, but then he thought of Buffy's house and fond memories he had had there and all the other places. His last thought was of Buffy's funeral and when he opened his eyes he was standing in front of her headstone.  
  
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Present Day.  
  
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"I hoped that he would be fine but -"  
  
"So you, you brought him back from there. You saved him and -" Willow looked up from her lap that she had been staring at,  
  
"What are you?"  
  
Buffy looked her best friend square in the eye,  
  
"I'm Buffy, as you remember me, but," she shook her head,  
  
"I can't tell you what's beyond this, what happens when you die. But I can tell you that I'm supposed to protect Giles, protect all of you, and help keep you on your path. You all have a path and if you stray from it like Giles did then," she broke off looking away,  
  
"I'm supposed to make sure you stay on it." She said watching them all carefully as they tried to take it all in,  
  
"I shouldn't have sent him here should I?" Aura said quietly from her place in the corner of the room. Buffy stood up and walked to Aura, kneeling down in front of her,  
  
"You did what you thought was best." She said softly, then even quieter so no one else would hear,  
  
"He needed to come here. You both did." She said smiling slightly; the only one in on what would happen in the future. She stood up after a moment, stretching her legs and arms, standing over the group like she used to when giving out orders, but there was a silence between the small group, and Buffy just had to break the silence.  
  
"Any questions?" she asked nervously as she stared round at her group of friends. Spike stood up, unable to look at her as he did so, taking a few steps forward,  
  
"Yeah, I got one." He said finally looking up at her,  
  
"When you going back?" Everyone else seemed to look up at that point as well, all eyes suddenly fixated on Buffy. It was the questioned that had been plaguing all their minds,  
  
"You're going back aren't you Buffy?" Dawn asked from the edge of the sofa where she had curled herself into a ball,  
  
"You aren't staying. You only came back because of Giles." Now it was Buffy's turn to look away, but instead she went to her sister, sitting down in front of her,  
  
"Dawn I can't stay here. I don't belong here anymore. But you can always find me." She said softly, placing a hand over Dawn's heart,  
  
"Whenever you need me, I'm right here. Whenever you think no one's listening I will be. Whenever you think that you're all alone I'll be here." She kissed her sister on the forehead, standing back up as tears filled Dawn's eyes and she turned on the rest of the group,  
  
"I'm staying for the moment but I won't be here long and I won't say goodbye when I do go again so I'll say it now. I love you all." She said as she looked at each person in turn, catching Spike's gaze she repeated herself,  
  
"I love all of you but you have to accept I'm gone and after this is over I won't see you again, not until -" she broke off looking round at the small group again. No one moved they were all to busy trying to accept the fact that they couldn't keep Buffy.  
  
Xander was the first to do anything. He pulled himself to his feet moving towards Buffy and embracing her in a hug,  
  
"Thank you." He said as he held his friend close,  
  
"For what?" she asked confused,  
  
"For everything. For every time you saved the world. For every time you were there to make us smile. For every time you were there to protect us or to give us an insight into the world of Buffy. For everything Buff!" he said pulling away, finding Buffy to be the one with tears in her eyes.  
  
Buffy found herself being encased by her little sister, tears of joy streaming down both their faces. A feeble thank you escaped Dawn's lips and she fond more people thanking her. Thanking her for the person she had been. Even though she had screwed up she had made the right choices most of the time, she had definitely made the right choice when she chose her friends.  
  
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An ear-piercing scream shattered the silence of one of the wards in Sunnydale General. A nurse came running into the room, expecting to find some horrific scene, but all she found was a grown man crying into his pillow. She deflated as she moved towards the bed, trying to comfort the man.  
  
It had been the third time that night even though they had given him sleeping pills and he was still on a morphine drip. She stood by the bed for a moment, hoping to offer comfort to the man, but she didn't know what to do. The man was obviously loony bin material, the doctor had said so himself not one hour ago.  
  
She sighed as his eyes closed and he drifted into a fitful sleep, hoping that somehow he would sleep for longer this time, knowing it was useless.  
  
She returned to the nurses station and picked up her mug of coffee,  
  
"Alright Anna?" one of the other nurses asked her,  
  
"Just Mr. Giles having another dream." She said sleepily as she sat down,  
  
"He'll be gone by morning, poor bastard." 


	13. Questions Without You

Chapter 13 ~ Questions without you.  
  
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"Take all the goods from all the bads and tell the people that you've gone away."  
  
"Safe" Travis  
  
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No one had slept well that night. Thoughts had plagued everyone's mind and they were still stuck in them as they gathered in the kitchen for breakfast.  
  
Buffy stood by the sink sipping at a glass of orange juice, staring into space as thoughts of Giles and what he had seen weaved their way through her mind. How was she going to fix this?  
  
Tara stared at the pancake she was making for Dawn as it twisted into a shape that looked like a duck if you tilted your head slightly to the left. And if you tilted it to the right it kind of looked like a vampire. She frowned as she flipped it in the pan before it burned. The silence in the kitchen was odd for morning in the Summers' residence but everybody was mulling things over, but she had done all the thinking on the subject that she wanted to do. She was just worried for her sweetie, who's brow seemed to be creased in a permanent frown as she tired to figure things out. What would happen if she lost Willow?  
  
Dawn picked at the first pancake Tara had made for her not really all that hungry. She had other things on her mind. Things such as her sister being alive again and how she wasn't going to stay. She couldn't understand it. She let the pancake drop onto the plate as she pushed her chair back angrily. Why the hell would they allow her sister back, only to take her away from her again? It wasn't fair.  
  
Dawn stormed out of the kitchen, stomping her feet loudly,  
  
"Dawn?" Willow called after her, leaving her own pancake to follow the teen. She knew where Dawn was coming from. Willow felt like getting up and storming out of the house as well. It wasn't fair to have Giles and Buffy back and then realize that she wasn't allowed to keep Buffy, or probably Giles. She knew it was selfish, but somehow she just didn't care.  
  
"Dawn?"  
  
"I'm going to college." Dawn said coming back down the stairs, her bag and coat in hand,  
  
"I'll be back later."  
  
"Dawn?" Willow questioned again as she caught hold of the troubled teens arm,  
  
"What!?" she shouted in the witch's face, anger on her face, trying to hide what she really felt,  
  
"What?" she said more timidly, her features softening.  
  
"You don't have to go. Special circumstances yah know?" Dawn shook her head at Willow, tears threatening to fall.  
  
"I can't. Willow I just -" Willow nodded, understanding her need to be away from the house and away from the confusion the last day had brought,  
  
"Ok. Just take care. Yeah?" Dawn nodded, putting her jacket on, before embracing the witch in a hug,  
  
"If you need to get in touch I've got my phone." Dawn said, patting her trouser pocket,  
  
"I'll call at lunchtime?" Willow asked,  
  
"I'll leave it on." Dawn said going out the house and closing the door gently behind. Willow sighed, standing in the hall for a long moment. She couldn't hear anything else in the house except for the hiss of pancakes in the pan and the running of the shower up the stairs. It was disturbing. The house was so full of people and yet no one laughed, no one giggled, no one shared sarcastic comments or a joke; no one even spoke.  
  
She moved back into the kitchen, as there was a shrill ring, which made her jump. She soon realized it was the phone as Xander moved towards it, indicating to it without a word and Willow nodded.  
  
"Hello, Summer's res-" he broke off, his mock cheery voice disappearing as a grave expression passed over his face,  
  
"No I'm afraid she's-" Willow frowned watching her best friend as the basement door opened, revealing a paler than usual Spike. Anya smiled awkwardly at the vampire who only nodded slightly, going to the fridge, his eyes stuck on the floor as he did so. He pulled a mug of blood from the fridge, turning as he closed the door, his eyes meeting Buffy's for a moment. He stopped, stock still as he watched her before he reverted his eyes, bringing the mug away from his lips and going back to the basement door. It slammed shut behind him, resonating throughout the house as Willow heard the shower go off upstairs,  
  
"Yeah. Course I will." Xander's voice brought Willow's gaze away from the spot on the ceiling she had been staring at as if she could see Aura through it, almost crying to herself in the bathroom.  
  
"Is there anything that we can do?" Xander was asking the person on the end of the phone. Willow didn't know who it was, but she could hazard a guess,  
  
"Right." Xander raised a hand to his head, turning away from the questioning eyes of his wife and best friend. Buffy was still staring out the window, lost in thought and Tara was still making pancakes. His hand stopped on the way to scratch his neck, lowering back down to rest at his side,  
  
"Can't - I'm sure that we can look after. Yeah I got that but-" Xander was becoming exasperated with whoever it was on the phone,  
  
"You can't say that. He's not- NO!" Willow could see Xander's knuckles going white as he held the phone in his hand,  
  
"You're just going to lock him up?" All eyes seemed to fall on Xander at those words. Buffy's glass of juice she had been drinking was pushed onto the kitchen island as she went to Xander, taking the phone from him,  
  
"Lock him up?" she shouted down the phone as Xander stepped away to lean on the sink, staring out the window. Anya went to him, rubbing his arm, watching as his muscles tensed as if he was about to punch something. Tara turned off the grill looking at Xander before sharing a look with her sweetie as Buffy continued to talk on the phone,  
  
"You can't someone needs to - I thought he wasn't in his right state of mind?" Buffy was becoming agitated as Anya tried to coax what was happening out of Xander. His knuckles were stark white as he gripped the edge of the work surface, then suddenly he let go, turning away,  
  
"They want to put him in a mental institution." He said before leaving the kitchen. Anya followed him, casting a glance between the two witches before passing Buffy who was still on the phone,  
  
"Can't someone look after him?" she was silent for a moment before all the colour drained from her face.  
  
"He wouldn't - Giles wouldn't do that." Willow's eyes went wide, as did Buffy's. She couldn't hear what was going on but it was causing her to panic. Giles in a mental institution, what had he done?  
  
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"Xander?" Anya called following her husband down the path. She caught up to him while he was putting his jacket,  
  
"Where are you going?" she asked, looking at him concerned,  
  
"You're not going to kill the doctors or something crazy like that are you?" he stared at her angrily for a moment before the facade faded,  
  
"No Anya." He said, taking her into his arms before kissing her on the head,  
  
"I'm going to work. I need to talk to the crew. But I'll be back later."  
  
"Your promise? You promise you won't try to rescue Giles or get yourself killed or leave me?" he frowned, watching her for a moment, confused by her questions,  
  
"Anya I wouldn't leave you for all the money in the world." She smiled faintly for a moment before reaching up for a kiss, causing Xander to oblige gratefully,  
  
"I love you." He said softly,  
  
"I love you too." She said as she watched him turn to go. What would she do without her Xander?  
  
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Aura's eyes shifted awkwardly about the room almost as if she was drunk as she tried to take it all in. Giles in a mental institution. Her Rupert crazy. She shook her head again, almost in disbelief, but she had heard it enough times in the past hour since she had come down from her shower to find Tara, Willow and Anya huddled round an exasperated Buffy on the phone to the hospital. She couldn't quite see him assaulting a nurse and calling her the things he had. She could never imagine the kind hearted gentle man she had come to love ever doing anything like that.  
  
"Are you sure?" she asked for the umpteenth time as she continued to look at Buffy.  
  
"They said that they moved him to the psychiatric ward last night after he hit the nurse. They said he was babbling something about her being the devil and that someone would come and she would pay." Buffy sighed,  
  
"He wasn't making a whole lot of sense. The doctor came to see him this morning and decided he would be better off in Kingfisher." She stood up, unable to sit still anymore,  
  
"They said he's a hazard to himself and others. They think time at Kingfisher's would do him good." She rubbed the back of her neck, looking at Willow for a moment, before turning back to look at Aura,  
  
"They're moving him this afternoon. They've done all they can for him physically." Aura nodded slowly, still unable to take it in.  
  
"They said you can come see him off, and then you can arrange a time each week when we can visit him." Aura nodded dumbly again, hot tears welling in the backs of her eyes. She felt them sliding down her face as comforting arms wrapped around her. What was she going to do without Rupert?  
  
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There was a little girl in the waiting room. She sat crossed legged on one of the grey armchairs, her chin resting on her hands. She was no older than about five and she seemed to be dressed up in her best clothes. Her red woolen coat looked brand new and the red ribbons in her hair looked crisply pressed. Her red patent shoes gleamed brightly in the hospital lighting and Buffy couldn't help but smile as she sat opposite the girl. She didn't seem to be with anyone though, but neither did she look lost. She stared intently at Buffy for a long while, smiling back at the lovely woman with the halo of blond hair. Buffy blinked as a doctor went by and when she looked back to the little girl she was gone from the chair, her hand now placed firmly inside her father's who was moving down the hall with her.  
  
"I was watching the Angel daddy." She heard the little girl say. The man stopped and bent down to his daughter, meeting the little girl's gaze,  
  
"What Angel sweetheart?" he asked softly. Buffy realized the man reminded her of Giles, only younger. The little girl pointed at Buffy, and Buffy almost blushed as the man turned to look at her.  
  
"She's got a halo and wings and she's here to help her friends. She doesn't want them to die. But one of her friend's is really sick and he might not get better. But he will, won't he daddy? So the Angel doesn't have anything to worry about?" The man smiled fondly at his daughter before picking the little girl up in his arms,  
  
"I'm sure the Angel won't let her friend die baby." He said kissing the girl on the head as he smiled at Buffy. Buffy didn't smile back as she watched the little girl and her father disappear down the corridor. She was confused as to how the little girl knew so much by just looking at Buffy. Maybe it was the fact she was a child or maybe she was clair-whats-her- name. The word that Giles used to describe people who could see things others couldn't. She couldn't remember and she wished she could ask Giles, but she couldn't. Maybe she could ask him tomorrow, the time to go and see him she had arranged with one of the doctors who had come to collect Giles. She couldn't wait until tomorrow to see him, she needed so badly to see if he was all right, see if she could fix the mess she had made of things.  
  
She could go now, she would just catch them, but she had wanted to give Aura and Giles their privacy. But she wasn't even sure Giles would recognize Aura by what the doctor had told her on the phone. She couldn't shake the guilty feeling in the pit of her stomach and as Aura came down the corridor, hurriedly trying to wipe away the tears in her eyes the guilt seemed to double.  
  
"He's on his way." She said sheepishly as she sniffed, holding back more tears,  
  
"Buffy he didn't even know who I was. He was just - he wasn't there." She sniffed loudly,  
  
"And he didn't even know who I was." She repeated as a hand went to her eyes to try and stop the tears,  
  
"I'm sorry I'm just being stupid." She said after a moment while she continued to try and compose herself. When she looked up she found Buffy crying as well.  
  
"No you're not. But you're not the one who screwed up." Aura watched Buffy for a moment, unable to argue with the small blond. Buffy was right she was the one who had screwed up and because of that Aura felt hostile towards her. But it hadn't been Buffy who had set about the end of the world again, nor had it been Buffy who had forced Giles to fight in it or pushed him through the portal. She had tried to stop him from being pulled through, and she had failed. Aura had failed to protect him as well.  
  
Everyone was carrying guilt on their shoulders at the moment. 


	14. Just To Feel Again

Chapter 14 ~ Just To Feel Again  
  
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"And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed, I will never be anything until I break away from me . . ."  
  
"Somewhere I Belong" Linkin Park  
  
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They all assumed he was safer here. Safer in a small hospital like room. Safer lying on a bed like the invalid he had become. Safer living in his own head. Yet didn't they know that was the worst place they could leave him?  
  
For that's what they had done. They had left him here. No one had come to save him in the night when it was dark and he was no longer alone. No one had heard his screams; at least no one who cared.  
  
He felt like that drunk that lay on the street corner, people stepping over him, ignoring him. He wasn't important to them, but they were the most important people in the world to him. They could easily stop, bend down and take a little time just to see that he hadn't drowned in his problems.  
  
That wasn't the way of the world though. Everyone was too busy trying to keep their head above the water they didn't have the time to lend a hand to save another from drowning. In a way, he didn't blame them. In saving another they could cause themselves to drown. Wasn't that what he had done?  
  
He didn't regret it though. He saved others while bringing about his own demise. Others could live on so he would not. It wasn't like he wanted to anyway. Buffy was gone. All he had left was the figment of his imagination that had visited him yesterday. Aura was young, she had the coven, and she would love another. The others no longer needed him. They had lasted three years without him, why would they need him now?  
  
He pulled himself painfully to a sitting position. He felt as though his middle was missing and he knew he wasn't strong enough to be leaving his bed yet, but all logic evaded him in this small room with empty walls. He wanted nothing more than to take a can of spray paint and just put some colour on the walls, make the room more full. It was just too empty; too lonely.  
  
His feet found stability and he pulled himself to his feet, trying to catch his breath, as if something had just sucked all the life out of him. His gaze snapped to the small panel in the door as a shadow passed in front of it. He found a face at the door, staring in at him as if he was an animal at a zoo. If they were going to treat him like one he was going to act like one. He stuck his finger up at the nurse who looked momentarily shocked before she turned away from the door and continued on her way.  
  
He didn't have any reason to be polite anymore. The door was locked and no one had asked him if he minded or not. He hated locked doors. The same way people hated heights. He feared locked doors. He didn't know why though. He just knew that he didn't want to remember why he hated locked doors.  
  
No one had really cared that he was shut up in here though and no one knew him for the man he had been. They didn't know the father that had never had any children of his own, but had looked after them as if they were his own. They didn't know the man who had been brave and courageous because he had to be, when inside he was shaking with fear. They didn't know the man who was sweet, and kind and more than just a gentleman. They didn't know the ruthless man who had a temper that flared only when aggravated and could be dangerous when required of him. The only man they knew was the one that stood here now, portraying the image on a senile bastard who had a cold heart and didn't care about anyone but himself.  
  
It didn't matter anymore. Rupert Giles was done fighting. He had nothing left to fight for. He was fed up trying to make himself get back on his feet.  
  
He didn't know how this had all suddenly come about. It hadn't been a spur on the moment decision; at least he didn't think it had been. It had been festering for the past month that he had been locked away. Locked away in a hellish place that he so badly wanted to forget about. He had tried so hard to forget about it, tried to marvel in the wonders of the world, tried to live in the world. But it had been so hard to live in the world with what he had locked inside his head.  
  
His hand reached up, interlocking with the metal grate over his window. The sun was just peeping over the horizon, shedding light on the world to show people the way. None of them realized how much of a privilege it was to live in the world; to see the beauty of blossoming trees, to lay eyes on a blue sky and to walk down the street when the only thing that bothered you was whether or not you had turned the television off this morning when you had rushed out the door late for work.  
  
He heard a bell ring some distance off and he turned expecting to see Buffy with Xander and Willow in tow traipsing into the library, faces glum with the anticipation of research. All he found when he turned though was the empty room that he had been left in and he realized all too suddenly he wasn't sleeping, this wasn't a dream and the library had been blown up with the Mayor five years ago.  
  
He felt tears slip down his cheeks and someone told him not to cry, told him everything would be fine, that they would be here with him until the end. All he had left to talk to was his mind that knew everything, had experienced everything with him and was going to be the last one to be with him after everything.  
  
He just wanted to let go of all the pain that he'd felt for so long. Just wanted to take a rubber and erase everything till all the pain was gone. He was numb inside. And as the metal grill started to cut into his hand as he gripped tighter, blood running free, he realized he just wanted to feel again, feel something other than the pain.  
  
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Aura fidgeted with the phone cord as she spoke over the phone to someone in that blasted place that had got them into this mess who continued to put her on hold. She eventually got frustrated and slammed the phone down, causing everyone to look up at her. Her eyes flared and everyone quickly averted their gaze back to the books on their laps, suddenly intrigued by the variety of cannibalistic demons found within the binds of the old books. Aura started mumbling obscenities beneath her breath about the Watcher's council before she sighed, leaving the living room and striding into the kitchen and out into the back yard.  
  
Willow watched the older witch leave before closing the book that she was looking at. Xander and Spike had come in contact with a demon last night while out on patrol, killing one of them before the other had started to drag its mate away, feasting on it as it went. They now had more than one thing to worry about and the stress seemed to be getting to everyone.  
  
Dawn hadn't come home last night. She had called to say she was staying at a friend's and Willow didn't blame her for not wanting to come back here. Willow wouldn't blame her if she didn't come back at all.  
  
Willow heard footsteps falling on the stairs as Buffy descended into the hall. Her blond head of hair poked into the living room, looking round at everyone who were still engrossed in their books, still trying to be fascinated by their content. Willow was not fooled, neither was Buffy. They both knew the only person who could be truly fascinated with that sort of stuff. As if the two best friends both read each other's minds they looked away, blinking rapidly to hide the tears that would surely threaten to fall if allowed,  
  
"I'm off." Buffy eventually said, barely audible as she started to pull the jacket on she had brought downstairs with her. Willow opened her mouth to speak to the blond, but found no words would come out. Buffy seemed to do the same, before thinking better of it and leaving the house that had once been hers.  
  
Willow let out a slow sigh before pulling herself from the chair she had been seated in all morning, deciding someone better check on Aura. She didn't know what to feel anymore. Just when they seemed to be getting everything back together after three years it seemed as if the world had been turned upside down.  
  
Willow let out a long shuddering sigh as she relished in the cool morning air before she followed the sounds of sobs down the garden to where Aura was standing, her head against the fence behind a rose bush.  
  
Just when the pain had seemed to ebb, it all came flooding back again.  
  
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Buffy had only been here two minutes and she already hated the place. She hated the sterile smell of it and the white walls, green linoleum floors and blue ceilings that seemed to make the place so much colder than it was.  
  
She wrapped her jacket round her tighter as she continued to gaze about the visitors lounge, waiting for someone to show her to Giles' room. She looked about at the other three visitors that were sitting down, randomly flicking through magazines, looking out windows, and fidgeting with their hands, apparently not at all happy about being here. She didn't blame them though. She hated being here. She couldn't believe that she was actually visiting Giles in a mental institution.  
  
She had always hated them, ever since she had been put in one when she was younger because of the whole vampire thing. She had vowed the day she had left she would never return, yet here she was almost nine years later standing in one again, but thankfully not as a patient. It was just as bad though - that feeling you got in your stomach. She didn't think it mattered whether you were a patient or a visitor; you still got that sick feeling in your stomach as if you knew of some horrible fate that awaited you,  
  
"Miss. Summers?" Buffy turned at her name to meet eyes with a nurse slightly taller than her, smiling broadly down at her. She didn't know how he could smile, working in a place like this,  
  
"I'm Taylor." He said by way of introduction,  
  
"I'll show you where Mr. Giles is." He said before turning back the way he had come, pulling a card from his pocket which he swiped in the panel next to the door, tapping in some numbers before the door buzzed and he held it open for Buffy.  
  
She followed him through the corridors without a word, even though he tried to make conversation with her. She didn't feel like talking. She was trying to prepare herself for what she was about to see, or at least what she expected to see.  
  
Padded walls and a cowering form in the corner.  
  
A bed with a drugged person strapped to it, totally out of it.  
  
Or someone thrashing about, wrestling with nurses to try and get free of the madness in their head.  
  
The corridors seemed to go one forever until they finally reached room 107, and she suddenly found her voice,  
  
"How many rooms do you have?" she asked looking at Taylor, who looked back at her puzzled by the question as his hand froze in the process of opening the door,  
  
"Two hundred." He said as he turned the key and pushed the door open to let her inside,  
  
"You need anything I'll be outside the door." He said, encouraging her to enter the room. She did so after a moments hesitation, suddenly taken aback by the appearance of the room. It was empty and white like the corridors and the visitors lounge but there was no one huddled in the corner, no one strapped to the bed and no one thrashing about fighting against the madness in their head.  
  
He was stood at the window, gazing into the distance. Buffy turned as she heard the door close behind her, before turning back to Giles. He didn't seem to have noticed that she was there and she was surprised to see him on his feet after him nearly being at deaths door yesterday. She opened her mouth to say something, but she was piped to the post,  
  
"I wondered when you would come." 


	15. Broken Dreams

Chapter 15 Broken Dreams

"And yes they'll ask you where you've been, and you'll have to tell them again and again. And you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day, And I promise you you'll see the sun again, And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness, And I promise you you'll see the sun again."

"See The Sun" Dido

"Hurry up Xander." Willow barked as she shut the trunk of the car and got into the back seat with Tara. Xander rolled his eyes as he lugged Anya's bag behind him.

"I don't see why we have to stay over anyway. I mean, we only live like five minutes down the road." He mumbled to himself, "Could easily walk there in the morning." He grumbled as he put Anya's bag in the back with Willow.

"Like you'll be up early enough to walk over." Willow scoffed as Anya's bag landed on top of her.

"Anya?" Willow asked as she shoved the bag off her knee into the foot well. The ex-demon turned round in her seat, "You do know we're only staying for one night, right?" Anya nodded emphatically before turning to look out the windscreen again as Xander got in the car.

"I packed for every eventuality. Just in case the real Santa shows up." She smiled to herself as she patted Xander on the thigh, while he gave her a nervous glance, "I'm very excited about this." She announced to the worried occupants of Xander's company car. Willow gave Tara a secret smile, holding her lovers gaze as she tried to contain her own excitement as they pulled away from the kerb.

"We're going to be late." Willow observed.

"It's ok sweetie," Tara reassured, holding her hand, "We'll get there."

Willow frowned as Anya began to rant about Christmas again, not sure if she had ever stopped. Willow turned to look out the car window, watching as someone jogged past with their cat on a leash. She giggled to herself, thinking of the book the Cat in the Hat.

"You're a goldfish." She said to Anya when she eventually stopped to breathe. Anya didn't seem to notice she was being called a goldfish though.

It wasn't long before Willow was bounding up the stairs to a familiar apartment, only turning back to hear Xander call up to her.

"It's ok, we'll get the presents," he said sarcastically as he loaded Tara and Anya up like donkeys.

Willow faltered beside the pond outside apartment 4b on 213 Oak Street as she noticed the dead goldfish there, floating in the evening twilight. When had it gotten so dark? She rapped on the door briefly as it opened almost immediately, revealing a haggard looking man she didn't recognise. He raised his thin face to look at her.

"Willow?" she frowned at the figure before her.

"Who are you?" she asked hesitantly, searching the moss green depths for some sign that she knew him.

"You used to know me so well." He said reaching a hand out towards the red head.

"Willow?" Willow blinked in the sun as Giles waved a hand in front of her face, "Are you coming in?" she nodded, not trusting her voice as she followed Giles into his apartment.

"Auntie Willow!" Willow swept the little girl off her feet, swinging her round in the air.

"How's my favourite niece?" she asked the smiling face as she held the little girl close to her as she giggled.

"How can I be your favourite if I'm your only niece Auntie Willow?" Willow laughed with the little girl now.

"I can't outsmart you can I?" she said as she lowered the little girl to the ground.

"Nope." She said, continuing to smile.

"Come play. Auntie Dawn, Daddy, and me are drawing." She said, grabbing the red head's hand, "Daddy's not very good though."

"Cheeky monkey." Giles said, tickling his daughter as she giggled in glee while he chased her before picking her up into his arms, "But I think it's time you washed up for dinner." He said, kissing her on the forehead before putting her back down.

"Ok." She said before running off down the hall.

"Elizabeth. Tell your Auntie Dawn dinner's ready too."

"Ok." She called again as Willow watched Giles go into the kitchen and join Aura.

"Presents are safely hidden on the roof." Xander announced as he entered the room, Anya and Tara following, "What's for dinner?" he asked as he sat down at the table.

"We don't have time to eat, because someone was too late." Giles said sternly, causing Willow to turn and look at him in the dark room. His face catching the light coming from the windows, making him look ill.

"This isn't how it's supposed to be." Willow commented, looking round the empty and cold apartment that looked like nothing more than a burnt out shell. She noticed the familiar blonde head of Buffy cowering in the corner, crying, "We need to sort this." She commanded, but got no reply, "Giles?" she turned back but he was gone, and she wasn't in his old apartment anymore, "Giles?" thunder cracked overhead before it started to pour down and she started to run up the hill in search of shelter and Giles. She tripped and fell in the mud, turning as she heard footsteps approach.

"You fell." She looked up into Giles soft green eyes. He reached out a hand, pulling her to her feet. He pointed down to the road at the bottom of the hill, "I'm going over there."

"No, Giles. You have to stay here." Giles frowned at the red head before looking up into the sky. Willow followed his gaze."But the world's ending here." He looked back down at the red head before his eyes fell on the gravestone behind her, the name Rupert Giles prominent on it, "You have to trust me." He said softly, "This is the way things work." He turned from her and headed back down the hill, disappearing from the red head's sight.

"Giles!"

Willow awoke with a start, Giles name still on her lips as she found herself alone on the couch in the living room. She heard footsteps coming towards her before the slight frame of the younger Summers appeared in the door.

"Bad dream?" Dawn asked the red head as Willow sat up, beckoning Dawn to come sit down next to her. Willow thought for a moment as Dawn curled up on the couch next to her, remembering the dream she had just had.

"No, It wasn't."

"I thought maybe, since you screamed..."

"No, it was good." A hint of a smile played on Willow's face now, "Is Buffy back yet?" She felt Dawn shrink away from her at he mention of his sister's name.

"Not yet."

Buffy found herself staring uncomfortably at her feet for a long moment as Giles peeled his hand from the window and the grating it had been so tightly wrapped round he had left small drops of blood on the windowsill as he stumbled towards the bed. She was beside him in an instant, helping to sit back on the bed.

"Are you supposed to be out of bed already?" she asked softly, remembering how ill he had looked only yesterday. She found the empty depths of his eyes looking into her own. Aura was right; he was no longer in there. She got no answer and didn't press any further as she noticed his hand, "Giles, what did you do?" This time he replied, but not to the question she asked.

"I tried to catch you." Buffy continued to inspect his hand, letting him talk, not sure of where this was going, "Every time I tried to catch you, and every time I watched you fall." He pulled his hand away from her sharply, "Buffy you have to understand. I didn't mean for this to happen, I didn't mean for you..." He reached his bloody hand towards her pale cheek but caught himself at the last moment, uncertain whether to touch her or not. If she were dead his hand would pass right through her and this was all real, it had all happened, but if he touched her and she was really there then was he really insane? Had he really just imagined the last few years?

He closed his hand into a fist staring into her blue eyes for a long moment as she looked back, shocked, almost terrified he thought, and it pained him to realise he was the one causing such terror within the young woman whom had been his charge and, in a way, his daughter. He turned away from her.

"You're not real." He whispered through clenched teeth, "You can't be, because if you are then you never died and if you never died, then..." he gritted his teeth before slamming his fist into the wall, causing Buffy to react, not sure whether to shout at him or cry.

"Giles," she said softly, pausing as she thought things through before she spoke again, "I need you to listen to me."


End file.
